Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word              All Rights Reserved

 - Share the video  & Buy Your "helpdonthurt tee shirt.  $5.00 of each sale will be donated to the domestic violence coalition www.teespring.com/helpdonthurt-

My heart is heavy every time I hear another story of a domestic violence situation.  Whether they involve celebrities or every day people like you and me it is heartbreaking. Domestic violence tears apart families and communities and can leave life long scars on both the victims and perpetrator as well as be fatal in some severe instances. Today I challenge you to join me in a new campaign called "Help Don't Hurt."  Whether you've been a victim, abuser or a bystander, we can all contribute positively to the healing of those still living in the cycle. Don't judge the victims as stupid or weak. They need support from everyone to help them see what is best for them not condescending words that will make someone who already feels bad about a situation feel worse. Spread the word! #helpdonthurt

Copyright 2014 
Aleasa M. Word  All Rights Reserved

Today’s blog is direct and if you get offended easily, this one is not for you! I had a conversation with someone the other day about relationships and how some people try to create one with every person they “think” they’re attracted to.  For more reasons than one, we should think harder about who we want to be involved with but for this blog you may want to ask yourself…..how do they really look at ME?   

When people meet they instantly size each other up. Whether it’s two men or two women we form an opinion upon our first meeting. Sometimes it’s right and sometimes not but we do it nonetheless because that is what we are conditioned to do. As it relates to the opposite sex women have a kind of hidden radar that goes off when we meet men. It’s so hidden sometimes that we don’t even realize it’s working because we’ve become accustomed to doing it naturally and it comes second nature to us.

Women have three categories that men end up in and it happens when we aren’t even consciously thinking about it.  No matter how classy we are,  the categories still apply and you can put nice names on them but getting to the core of what they are here it is.. they are :  Sexable (aka Fuc*able), Unsexable (aka Un-Fuc*able) and Ass in a Glass (aka  di*k in a glass)! Yup I said it! Ratchet, raunchy, tacky or whatever it is what it is we are adults and that is the reality whether we say it in a fancy way or go straight gutter with it.  Is it ladylike to put it this way, absolutely not!   Real to think and talk about it? Yes.

I truly believe we suffer from many problems of human condition because of conversations we are NOT having and that needs to stop.  Until we face the fact that we share common thoughts and behaviors we will continue to live in a chronic state of unacceptance of truths we really do need for growth and change.  With that said, the breakdown of the categories goes something like this:

The Sexable Man

This man oozes potential and has a certain aura about him from the moment you meet him or have a conversation with him.  It doesn’t mean he’s just a sex buddy but there is something about him that is attractive in a way that your pheromones are attracted to his. He may never ever become YOUR man but he has a certain prowess that awakens your “hello” attitude! The attraction factor can get us in trouble because the emotion attached to lust can make us miss cues that he may not be the right one for us but once we've categorized him, that's where he stays. The hope is that he has more to offer than his incredible sexiness.

The Unsexable Man

This is the guy who ends up in what many call the dreaded “friend zone.” No matter how nice or attractive he is physically to others, there is something about him that is a complete turn off  for you and you can’t imagine him being anything except your “buddy.”  He could be a co-worker, client or even a drycleaner but he is not the one you want to be with.   He may be attracted to you and for some people it ends up with someone being hurt because just like in the case of women….we all have to be careful that our spending time or paying attention to someone is not mistaken for our liking them.  Sorry guys, if you end up here chances are she is looking to have you as a sounding board about the guys she’s really interested in dating.  On the other hand some men are happy to end up here because they’ve been on the “sex machine” list for other women and they just want a friend to hang out with and accept them outside of the sensuality realm. These are the guy who have no shortage of options but want someone to just chill with as who is also in their friend zone. 

Ass In a Glass

This guy is compared to the old fire/emergency panel on every floor that says “break in case of emergency.”  He has potential but you don’t really want him as your man; however, you haven’t completely ruled him out.  He may be just coming off a relationship and isn’t ready or he may just be that guy that’s like “eh…maybe.”  He may seem like he can bring it but his personality really isn’t one you can see yourself settling down with.  Instant attraction isn’t there, but repulsion is certainly not there either.  He might be someone you could connect with but you’re not investigating that avenue yet and reserving judgment for another time.  In this case he may be the guy you finally go to after everything doesn’t work out or in some case….yes ladies have needs too….he may be the one who ends up performing some routine “maintenance” for you. Why is this guy important?  Unfortunately, many of us miss out on a great buy because he doesn’t instantly fall into the sexable category.  We allow our basic sexual desires to control what is important and until we’ve grown into a place where we can look past that we often end up with the wrong guy.  This guy simply shouldn’t be ruled out! In fact he may be the one to save you a lot of heartache in life if you take a closer look.

Though these categories are ones selected as it pertains to women looking at men, they can certainly be reversed but one of my male friends says there are only two categories men look at. They are Doable and Not-Doable.  Since, I’m not a man I won’t elaborate but I can say I’m not in total disagreement with him.

Relationships are hard whether you have sexual attraction to another person or not. What we would benefit from, however is taking our time to make sure the person we are thinking about connecting with is really relationship material FOR US. This does include sexual compatibility as well as everything else. We can’t deny that this is a big deal and the cause of a lot of relationship problems. Though it is not the only criteria we have to consider, it is certainly one worth a great deal of consideration. 

Photo: Steve C/Flickr

Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

As humans we are designed to desire companionship.  It’s as natural as our need to eat and breathe.  Sadly, many of us end up emotionally compromised as we age for a number of reasons. Some of us are mistreated as children. Others end up in toxic relationships. And some of us end up with behavioral health conditions that can sometimes be compounded or even caused by the types of relationships that surround us.  None of these situations however, stop us from desiring to have a companion of our own. Humans want love!

When we end up damaged from what usually is a close relationship that hurt us so deeply, we don’t always know how to fully recover.  We walk around with that baggage. That same baggage ends up creating the conundrum that becomes our relationship life cycle.  We maneuver to and fro trying to find a partner that suits our needs.  The majority will never suit us because we still carry the fears from the relationships that damaged us deeply and new partners don’t have the antidote for our pain.  It’s been said by many that a patient, loving person is the healing balm for those who have been hurt. In these cases, it has been my experience that this only works when the person who is hurt realizes it is THEIR pain, and THEIR fears that are causing them additional hurt and they are committed to trusting the new person’s love is genuine.

No matter how hard you try, you can never change a person by yourself. A person must realize there is a need for change and be willing to do the work to make the change. All the patience in the world from a person who cares about them will do no good if they themselves don’t do the work. With this said, as we long for companionship we must also learn to long for self-love, fair treatment and commitment to our own emotional well- being.  There is no good that will ever come out of continuously compromising your self-worth for a person who is not ready to value what you have to offer them.  We also should be cautioned to not allow ourselves to become damaged by the effects of trying to love the hurt out of someone who is addicted to pain.

Many people who live with this addiction to pain are those who simply don’t know the joy of living without it. Either they’ve had some sort of emotional hurt their entire lives or the pain they endured from certain situations was so great they literally forgot what life was like before then.  I’d never claim to be an additions specialist or counselor of sorts but what I do know from personal experience is that we are creatures of habit. In this habitual behavior we have things we hold on to that become our normal and subsequently our crutch for not dealing with our personal dysfunction. I have always been a person who does volunteer work and wants to help others, sometimes at the cost of my own self. In my history of relationships this has spilled over and I was worse for the wear because of it. It has become a battle for me that I have often had to fight between trying to be patient in a world where trust is at an all-time low , to waiting so long that I end up being hurt because the person I was trying to convince to trust me was in fact untrustworthy themselves. This predicament is the one many of us find ourselves often.

So how do we deal with this balancing act of still giving self but not to the point of destruction? 

·       Figure out what you need from a partner in a relationship

·       Figure out what you can offer to a partner in a relationship

·       Decide what your negotiables and non-negotiables are that you can stick to

·       Learn the triggers that make you think back to the person who hurt you and ask yourself why you feel           this current person IS NOT the same as the last

·       Realize that you will never have the love you desire until you let go to the pain that hurts you

·       Continue to celebrate you, have you time and understand your needs

·       Put limits on how far you will go to show a person you are genuine and be honest with them about it

Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard to be in that you end up miserable or at odds with one another more than you are happy with each other. They should not complete you, as you need to come into them as a whole person. Instead they should complement you and add value to your life and the life of your mate.

 

Copyright 2014     Aleasa M. Word      All Rights Reserved

Society and our stubborn minds would have us thinking once we make a choice or decision, we're married to it forever.  We sometimes want to do things differently or even have new beliefs but we are addicted to the BS of life that says we must not be wishy washy and stick to whatever decisions we make in life.

It is this same scattered thinking that keeps people in bad relationships and jobs where we are being bullied, passed over or simply unsatisfied.  I believe our parents meant well when teaching us to stick to our decisions but there is more to go with that statement that we may not have been taught so well. The comparative is to a child playing an instrument.  A parent allows the child to play and every few weeks the child wants to play a new instrument because they are either bored or the challenge has become too much for them to bare.  Because we want our children to succeed and learn about following things through, we push on to teach them once you make a decision you must simply see it through to the end.  What we forget to say is once you make a "long, hard thought , all angles considered" decision it would be best to see it through.  And because we don't phrase it that way, people grow up their entire life believing they can NEVER stop doing something because it no longer serves their needs, but instead must finish it because that's what "good folks" do. 

I like to tell my clients that we sometimes should think like the government (yes that could be scary).  When they are making a decision about war or any military conflict they look at data on the ground at that moment. They plan and prepare their course of action according to the data they have at that time and the probability that they will win at whatever the conflict is.  Subsequently, when the data or intelligence changes as time goes on they are forced to make a new decision based on the new data.  This is not a wishy washy move, but instead a very calculated one as they sift through the rubble that is military decision making.  This rubble also permeates our lives.  In our personal lives the rubble we must sift through consists of past relationship failures, baggage from growing up, baggage from kids we went to school with and so on.  Sifting through the muck and myer of it all can be tiring, painful and seem to go on without any useless end in sight.  But it is the gem we find in the midst of the rubble that can set us on the path to a new journey of joy, balance and prosperity in life.  If we can just sift through the mess to find what we really want, who we really are and throw out the old ways and beliefs that no longer serve us we could emerge so much better in the end.  The fear is that if we let go of the old stuff we own that we will judged. Sadly, the only person judging us the most harshly is ourselves because we've imposed our beliefs about the world onto ourselves and we don't like it. 

Today is a new day and yesterday can stay right where it's at.  You can decide THIS DAY to be someone else. You can decide THIS DAY to own a new belief system that serves you as the "YOU "you are now as opposed to the person you were many years ago in your parent's home, workplace or with that old (or current ) mate.  The problem is we are afraid of this change because we will face resistance from others who are comfortable with us being uncomfortable in life.  For true friends and people who have your best interest at hand they will surely welcome the change you didn't even know they were waiting on from you. You have a right to make new decisions based on new data and keep it moving. You have a right to not have to explain why you are making better, more informed choices.  The response to the questions is simply "life is too short not to try other directions when you have data to show you how to get there."

Stop making the excuses "this is who I've always been" and instead look at who your are becoming.


Photo: Celestine Chua/Flickr