Copyright 2013           Aleasa M. Word         All Rights Reserved

Note:  Mz. Word offers an exclusive men's program at www.chapteriiformen.com


About a year ago I chatted with a man via social media who was on the verge of a divorce and said he was afraid he was going to have a nervous breakdown.  He was devastated because he simply wanted out. His significant other wanted to stay in their situation even though she was miserable too.  They’d been to counseling 4 times and separated twice.  He was stuck and just didn’t know what to do anymore. He admitted he loved her deeply but was not IN LOVE with this woman and felt like an awful man for wanting a divorce because he didn’t want to hurt her.

I find it funny that we continue to believe that women who are usually thought of as emotional creatures somehow get exclusivity to that title when men are automatically deemed the polar opposite.  We are finding more people know that but fewer people acknowledge it.  Many of us ladies complain that we want men to show more emotion yet if they do we sometimes lose respect.  Men, to put it bluntly, are just as emotional if not more so in some cases; but, the way in which they exhibit their emotion is not the same as it is for the majority of women.  Mostly in part because it is not acceptable from a societal standard for men to be openly emotional, they tend to suppress their feelings.  Through a trained eye and ear, however, a person can tell when a man is in emotional turmoil.

I challenge women to make a decision when it comes to men.  Just like we can’t be all things they want, they aren’t going to be all things we want either.  We need to decide which of those things we can and cannot live with.  In making that decision I will caution as to the rule that should go along with it.  If we choose to live with certain things as it pertains to others it means we have let go of our emotional feelings of resentment and dislike over those tendencies or behaviors.  It means we have fully accepted this is a part of that person that simply just “IS” and more than likely will never change no matter how much we really want it to.  If you cannot get to THAT place, then you have not accepted the issue that is bothering you and it brings you to a place where you will either have to look at your own value systems or move on. 

Because men tend to compartmentalize things, it makes us feel sometimes as if they don’t care.  Everything has its place and so they can continue to function with work and whatever else is on their plate they have to do what they have to do!  As in the case of moving on, once they make a decision to do so there is often no going back.  This does not indicate they don’t care but things often happen in a sequential manner and this is the sequence in which they see things going at that time.  Sometimes that decision is wrong and other times it is right; but, regardless it is a decision they choose to own.  Inside they have usually anguished with the decision for quite some time if they genuinely cared for the other person long before it was apparent. 

I recently read a post on Facebook where someone said “if women can fake orgasms, why can’t men fake relationships?”  The truth is we all have had times when we faked the reality of our relationships.  Women may ask if he’s trying to figure out whether or not he should stay shouldn’t he discuss this with us as soon as he feels this way? Ladies – HELL NO!!! They know how we are and that can open up a can of worms they may not be willing to deal with at that time.  The truth is, it could just be a lull.  They could just be bored or they need to weigh all things out just like we do when we commiserate with other women about what’s going on in our own lives (bad move to discuss all or your relationship details with another female though).  

Just as our little boys that we raise have feelings where they outwardly cry, men still cry but most are just not as obvious.  If your relationship ended or is in the phase of ending and you know for a fact that you two were at some point in love, know also that this is not easy on him.  Unfortunately, someone had to make a choice for you both to find happiness again and perhaps it was him.

Breakups are no easy but the times we spend together should be cherished because nothing in this life is guaranteed.

Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

As humans we are designed to desire companionship.  It’s as natural as our need to eat and breathe.  Sadly, many of us end up emotionally compromised as we age for a number of reasons. Some of us are mistreated as children. Others end up in toxic relationships. And some of us end up with behavioral health conditions that can sometimes be compounded or even caused by the types of relationships that surround us.  None of these situations however, stop us from desiring to have a companion of our own. Humans want love!

When we end up damaged from what usually is a close relationship that hurt us so deeply, we don’t always know how to fully recover.  We walk around with that baggage. That same baggage ends up creating the conundrum that becomes our relationship life cycle.  We maneuver to and fro trying to find a partner that suits our needs.  The majority will never suit us because we still carry the fears from the relationships that damaged us deeply and new partners don’t have the antidote for our pain.  It’s been said by many that a patient, loving person is the healing balm for those who have been hurt. In these cases, it has been my experience that this only works when the person who is hurt realizes it is THEIR pain, and THEIR fears that are causing them additional hurt and they are committed to trusting the new person’s love is genuine.

No matter how hard you try, you can never change a person by yourself. A person must realize there is a need for change and be willing to do the work to make the change. All the patience in the world from a person who cares about them will do no good if they themselves don’t do the work. With this said, as we long for companionship we must also learn to long for self-love, fair treatment and commitment to our own emotional well- being.  There is no good that will ever come out of continuously compromising your self-worth for a person who is not ready to value what you have to offer them.  We also should be cautioned to not allow ourselves to become damaged by the effects of trying to love the hurt out of someone who is addicted to pain.

Many people who live with this addiction to pain are those who simply don’t know the joy of living without it. Either they’ve had some sort of emotional hurt their entire lives or the pain they endured from certain situations was so great they literally forgot what life was like before then.  I’d never claim to be an additions specialist or counselor of sorts but what I do know from personal experience is that we are creatures of habit. In this habitual behavior we have things we hold on to that become our normal and subsequently our crutch for not dealing with our personal dysfunction. I have always been a person who does volunteer work and wants to help others, sometimes at the cost of my own self. In my history of relationships this has spilled over and I was worse for the wear because of it. It has become a battle for me that I have often had to fight between trying to be patient in a world where trust is at an all-time low , to waiting so long that I end up being hurt because the person I was trying to convince to trust me was in fact untrustworthy themselves. This predicament is the one many of us find ourselves often.

So how do we deal with this balancing act of still giving self but not to the point of destruction? 

·       Figure out what you need from a partner in a relationship

·       Figure out what you can offer to a partner in a relationship

·       Decide what your negotiables and non-negotiables are that you can stick to

·       Learn the triggers that make you think back to the person who hurt you and ask yourself why you feel           this current person IS NOT the same as the last

·       Realize that you will never have the love you desire until you let go to the pain that hurts you

·       Continue to celebrate you, have you time and understand your needs

·       Put limits on how far you will go to show a person you are genuine and be honest with them about it

Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard to be in that you end up miserable or at odds with one another more than you are happy with each other. They should not complete you, as you need to come into them as a whole person. Instead they should complement you and add value to your life and the life of your mate.

 

Copyright 2014     Aleasa M. Word      All Rights Reserved

Society and our stubborn minds would have us thinking once we make a choice or decision, we're married to it forever.  We sometimes want to do things differently or even have new beliefs but we are addicted to the BS of life that says we must not be wishy washy and stick to whatever decisions we make in life.

It is this same scattered thinking that keeps people in bad relationships and jobs where we are being bullied, passed over or simply unsatisfied.  I believe our parents meant well when teaching us to stick to our decisions but there is more to go with that statement that we may not have been taught so well. The comparative is to a child playing an instrument.  A parent allows the child to play and every few weeks the child wants to play a new instrument because they are either bored or the challenge has become too much for them to bare.  Because we want our children to succeed and learn about following things through, we push on to teach them once you make a decision you must simply see it through to the end.  What we forget to say is once you make a "long, hard thought , all angles considered" decision it would be best to see it through.  And because we don't phrase it that way, people grow up their entire life believing they can NEVER stop doing something because it no longer serves their needs, but instead must finish it because that's what "good folks" do. 

I like to tell my clients that we sometimes should think like the government (yes that could be scary).  When they are making a decision about war or any military conflict they look at data on the ground at that moment. They plan and prepare their course of action according to the data they have at that time and the probability that they will win at whatever the conflict is.  Subsequently, when the data or intelligence changes as time goes on they are forced to make a new decision based on the new data.  This is not a wishy washy move, but instead a very calculated one as they sift through the rubble that is military decision making.  This rubble also permeates our lives.  In our personal lives the rubble we must sift through consists of past relationship failures, baggage from growing up, baggage from kids we went to school with and so on.  Sifting through the muck and myer of it all can be tiring, painful and seem to go on without any useless end in sight.  But it is the gem we find in the midst of the rubble that can set us on the path to a new journey of joy, balance and prosperity in life.  If we can just sift through the mess to find what we really want, who we really are and throw out the old ways and beliefs that no longer serve us we could emerge so much better in the end.  The fear is that if we let go of the old stuff we own that we will judged. Sadly, the only person judging us the most harshly is ourselves because we've imposed our beliefs about the world onto ourselves and we don't like it. 

Today is a new day and yesterday can stay right where it's at.  You can decide THIS DAY to be someone else. You can decide THIS DAY to own a new belief system that serves you as the "YOU "you are now as opposed to the person you were many years ago in your parent's home, workplace or with that old (or current ) mate.  The problem is we are afraid of this change because we will face resistance from others who are comfortable with us being uncomfortable in life.  For true friends and people who have your best interest at hand they will surely welcome the change you didn't even know they were waiting on from you. You have a right to make new decisions based on new data and keep it moving. You have a right to not have to explain why you are making better, more informed choices.  The response to the questions is simply "life is too short not to try other directions when you have data to show you how to get there."

Stop making the excuses "this is who I've always been" and instead look at who your are becoming.


Photo: Celestine Chua/Flickr