Loving The One Who's Not Ready for It

Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

As humans we are designed to desire companionship.  It’s as natural as our need to eat and breathe.  Sadly, many of us end up emotionally compromised as we age for a number of reasons. Some of us are mistreated as children. Others end up in toxic relationships. And some of us end up with behavioral health conditions that can sometimes be compounded or even caused by the types of relationships that surround us.  None of these situations however, stop us from desiring to have a companion of our own. Humans want love!

When we end up damaged from what usually is a close relationship that hurt us so deeply, we don’t always know how to fully recover.  We walk around with that baggage. That same baggage ends up creating the conundrum that becomes our relationship life cycle.  We maneuver to and fro trying to find a partner that suits our needs.  The majority will never suit us because we still carry the fears from the relationships that damaged us deeply and new partners don’t have the antidote for our pain.  It’s been said by many that a patient, loving person is the healing balm for those who have been hurt. In these cases, it has been my experience that this only works when the person who is hurt realizes it is THEIR pain, and THEIR fears that are causing them additional hurt and they are committed to trusting the new person’s love is genuine.

No matter how hard you try, you can never change a person by yourself. A person must realize there is a need for change and be willing to do the work to make the change. All the patience in the world from a person who cares about them will do no good if they themselves don’t do the work. With this said, as we long for companionship we must also learn to long for self-love, fair treatment and commitment to our own emotional well- being.  There is no good that will ever come out of continuously compromising your self-worth for a person who is not ready to value what you have to offer them.  We also should be cautioned to not allow ourselves to become damaged by the effects of trying to love the hurt out of someone who is addicted to pain.

Many people who live with this addiction to pain are those who simply don’t know the joy of living without it. Either they’ve had some sort of emotional hurt their entire lives or the pain they endured from certain situations was so great they literally forgot what life was like before then.  I’d never claim to be an additions specialist or counselor of sorts but what I do know from personal experience is that we are creatures of habit. In this habitual behavior we have things we hold on to that become our normal and subsequently our crutch for not dealing with our personal dysfunction. I have always been a person who does volunteer work and wants to help others, sometimes at the cost of my own self. In my history of relationships this has spilled over and I was worse for the wear because of it. It has become a battle for me that I have often had to fight between trying to be patient in a world where trust is at an all-time low , to waiting so long that I end up being hurt because the person I was trying to convince to trust me was in fact untrustworthy themselves. This predicament is the one many of us find ourselves often.

So how do we deal with this balancing act of still giving self but not to the point of destruction? 

·       Figure out what you need from a partner in a relationship

·       Figure out what you can offer to a partner in a relationship

·       Decide what your negotiables and non-negotiables are that you can stick to

·       Learn the triggers that make you think back to the person who hurt you and ask yourself why you feel           this current person IS NOT the same as the last

·       Realize that you will never have the love you desire until you let go to the pain that hurts you

·       Continue to celebrate you, have you time and understand your needs

·       Put limits on how far you will go to show a person you are genuine and be honest with them about it

Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard to be in that you end up miserable or at odds with one another more than you are happy with each other. They should not complete you, as you need to come into them as a whole person. Instead they should complement you and add value to your life and the life of your mate.