Copyright 2014
Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved

Today’s woman over 40 dating a younger man is called a cougar.  Back when I was growing up a man 20 years older than a woman was called a dirty old man.  It’s funny how these titles are created for people by people who don’t have a clue how people with big age gaps can be attracted to one another.

  A while back, me being 40 something entertained the thought of a early 30 something guy. He sure did make me smile but at the end of the day he was not at the peak of maturity for his life but I didn’t really expect him to be. The sad things is that many people date others significantly younger than themselves and wonder what happens when it ends.  Though some of these relationships can and have worked, most of them are fun and exciting until the initial passion filled honeymoon period wears off and then it’s like “now what.”

  Dating a younger man is not always a woman’s fantasy but many of us find ourselves in that  predicament because quite honestly, we don’t feel old and being full of life we hold open the chance for a younger man to slip in the door.  It takes a very mature younger man who is grounded and really understands who he is and what he wants to date someone very much his senior.  He also has to consider that women at that age usually don’t want any more children and if he decides in a few years he does, it may be curtains for the relationship.

  Dating a younger woman has been the norm for men for ages. When you have more than 15 years in between ages though, the dynamics change. Men, though often in love with these younger women sometimes have expectations …wifely expectations as far as traditional roles are concerned.  Younger women of today are far more independent and not sitting by the stove making a hot meal for their man all the time. In fact many love to eat out a lot, drop clothes at the dry cleaners and spend a lot of time on social media.  For an older man this may seem cute at first but it will definitely get old sooner than later.


The key to dating someone your senior is being honest about needs and expectations. Also, one should have a clear vision of where they really see themselves in 10 years or so. Depending on how much older you mate is, you may have to ask yourself whether or not you are ready for the responsibility of taking care of them if they become ill.  If you can figure out all of the details and read in between the lines many of these May-December type relationships can be both fun and fulfilling.  As for me the older men are catching my eye these days and I’m just fine where I stand!

Copyright 2014 
Aleasa M. Word  All Rights Reserved

Today’s blog is direct and if you get offended easily, this one is not for you! I had a conversation with someone the other day about relationships and how some people try to create one with every person they “think” they’re attracted to.  For more reasons than one, we should think harder about who we want to be involved with but for this blog you may want to ask yourself…..how do they really look at ME?   

When people meet they instantly size each other up. Whether it’s two men or two women we form an opinion upon our first meeting. Sometimes it’s right and sometimes not but we do it nonetheless because that is what we are conditioned to do. As it relates to the opposite sex women have a kind of hidden radar that goes off when we meet men. It’s so hidden sometimes that we don’t even realize it’s working because we’ve become accustomed to doing it naturally and it comes second nature to us.

Women have three categories that men end up in and it happens when we aren’t even consciously thinking about it.  No matter how classy we are,  the categories still apply and you can put nice names on them but getting to the core of what they are here it is.. they are :  Sexable (aka Fuc*able), Unsexable (aka Un-Fuc*able) and Ass in a Glass (aka  di*k in a glass)! Yup I said it! Ratchet, raunchy, tacky or whatever it is what it is we are adults and that is the reality whether we say it in a fancy way or go straight gutter with it.  Is it ladylike to put it this way, absolutely not!   Real to think and talk about it? Yes.

I truly believe we suffer from many problems of human condition because of conversations we are NOT having and that needs to stop.  Until we face the fact that we share common thoughts and behaviors we will continue to live in a chronic state of unacceptance of truths we really do need for growth and change.  With that said, the breakdown of the categories goes something like this:

The Sexable Man

This man oozes potential and has a certain aura about him from the moment you meet him or have a conversation with him.  It doesn’t mean he’s just a sex buddy but there is something about him that is attractive in a way that your pheromones are attracted to his. He may never ever become YOUR man but he has a certain prowess that awakens your “hello” attitude! The attraction factor can get us in trouble because the emotion attached to lust can make us miss cues that he may not be the right one for us but once we've categorized him, that's where he stays. The hope is that he has more to offer than his incredible sexiness.

The Unsexable Man

This is the guy who ends up in what many call the dreaded “friend zone.” No matter how nice or attractive he is physically to others, there is something about him that is a complete turn off  for you and you can’t imagine him being anything except your “buddy.”  He could be a co-worker, client or even a drycleaner but he is not the one you want to be with.   He may be attracted to you and for some people it ends up with someone being hurt because just like in the case of women….we all have to be careful that our spending time or paying attention to someone is not mistaken for our liking them.  Sorry guys, if you end up here chances are she is looking to have you as a sounding board about the guys she’s really interested in dating.  On the other hand some men are happy to end up here because they’ve been on the “sex machine” list for other women and they just want a friend to hang out with and accept them outside of the sensuality realm. These are the guy who have no shortage of options but want someone to just chill with as who is also in their friend zone. 

Ass In a Glass

This guy is compared to the old fire/emergency panel on every floor that says “break in case of emergency.”  He has potential but you don’t really want him as your man; however, you haven’t completely ruled him out.  He may be just coming off a relationship and isn’t ready or he may just be that guy that’s like “eh…maybe.”  He may seem like he can bring it but his personality really isn’t one you can see yourself settling down with.  Instant attraction isn’t there, but repulsion is certainly not there either.  He might be someone you could connect with but you’re not investigating that avenue yet and reserving judgment for another time.  In this case he may be the guy you finally go to after everything doesn’t work out or in some case….yes ladies have needs too….he may be the one who ends up performing some routine “maintenance” for you. Why is this guy important?  Unfortunately, many of us miss out on a great buy because he doesn’t instantly fall into the sexable category.  We allow our basic sexual desires to control what is important and until we’ve grown into a place where we can look past that we often end up with the wrong guy.  This guy simply shouldn’t be ruled out! In fact he may be the one to save you a lot of heartache in life if you take a closer look.

Though these categories are ones selected as it pertains to women looking at men, they can certainly be reversed but one of my male friends says there are only two categories men look at. They are Doable and Not-Doable.  Since, I’m not a man I won’t elaborate but I can say I’m not in total disagreement with him.

Relationships are hard whether you have sexual attraction to another person or not. What we would benefit from, however is taking our time to make sure the person we are thinking about connecting with is really relationship material FOR US. This does include sexual compatibility as well as everything else. We can’t deny that this is a big deal and the cause of a lot of relationship problems. Though it is not the only criteria we have to consider, it is certainly one worth a great deal of consideration. 

Photo: Steve C/Flickr

Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

As humans we are designed to desire companionship.  It’s as natural as our need to eat and breathe.  Sadly, many of us end up emotionally compromised as we age for a number of reasons. Some of us are mistreated as children. Others end up in toxic relationships. And some of us end up with behavioral health conditions that can sometimes be compounded or even caused by the types of relationships that surround us.  None of these situations however, stop us from desiring to have a companion of our own. Humans want love!

When we end up damaged from what usually is a close relationship that hurt us so deeply, we don’t always know how to fully recover.  We walk around with that baggage. That same baggage ends up creating the conundrum that becomes our relationship life cycle.  We maneuver to and fro trying to find a partner that suits our needs.  The majority will never suit us because we still carry the fears from the relationships that damaged us deeply and new partners don’t have the antidote for our pain.  It’s been said by many that a patient, loving person is the healing balm for those who have been hurt. In these cases, it has been my experience that this only works when the person who is hurt realizes it is THEIR pain, and THEIR fears that are causing them additional hurt and they are committed to trusting the new person’s love is genuine.

No matter how hard you try, you can never change a person by yourself. A person must realize there is a need for change and be willing to do the work to make the change. All the patience in the world from a person who cares about them will do no good if they themselves don’t do the work. With this said, as we long for companionship we must also learn to long for self-love, fair treatment and commitment to our own emotional well- being.  There is no good that will ever come out of continuously compromising your self-worth for a person who is not ready to value what you have to offer them.  We also should be cautioned to not allow ourselves to become damaged by the effects of trying to love the hurt out of someone who is addicted to pain.

Many people who live with this addiction to pain are those who simply don’t know the joy of living without it. Either they’ve had some sort of emotional hurt their entire lives or the pain they endured from certain situations was so great they literally forgot what life was like before then.  I’d never claim to be an additions specialist or counselor of sorts but what I do know from personal experience is that we are creatures of habit. In this habitual behavior we have things we hold on to that become our normal and subsequently our crutch for not dealing with our personal dysfunction. I have always been a person who does volunteer work and wants to help others, sometimes at the cost of my own self. In my history of relationships this has spilled over and I was worse for the wear because of it. It has become a battle for me that I have often had to fight between trying to be patient in a world where trust is at an all-time low , to waiting so long that I end up being hurt because the person I was trying to convince to trust me was in fact untrustworthy themselves. This predicament is the one many of us find ourselves often.

So how do we deal with this balancing act of still giving self but not to the point of destruction? 

·       Figure out what you need from a partner in a relationship

·       Figure out what you can offer to a partner in a relationship

·       Decide what your negotiables and non-negotiables are that you can stick to

·       Learn the triggers that make you think back to the person who hurt you and ask yourself why you feel           this current person IS NOT the same as the last

·       Realize that you will never have the love you desire until you let go to the pain that hurts you

·       Continue to celebrate you, have you time and understand your needs

·       Put limits on how far you will go to show a person you are genuine and be honest with them about it

Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard to be in that you end up miserable or at odds with one another more than you are happy with each other. They should not complete you, as you need to come into them as a whole person. Instead they should complement you and add value to your life and the life of your mate.