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Online Dating: Is it for the Desperate or Driven?

3/15/2015

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Copyright 2015       Aleasa M. Word     All Rights Reserved

Ok, the jig is up and I’ll admit it....I’ve had a profile or two on an online site before. I have friends who have met people and got married…happily married no less. My posting was more out of curiosity over anything and then it became “hmmm, let me see if I’ve still got that mojo.”  Eventually, it went to …..hey, I could pick up some new clients on here, because some of these guys could use some “relationship readiness coaching.” LOL

About 10 years ago if you asked me about online dating, I’d of given you the gas face and asked if you were crazy. Wait…I was still unhappily married then, so maybe I’d of just rolled my eyes at you. In any event, I would have thought it was for desperate people who couldn’t find a date and they had to get online because it was their last shot. Perhaps at that time maybe that is what was happening but somewhere, somehow, the people behind the sites knew the secret. They knew that they could convince people that they NEEDED to be on the site and they could find the people they WANTED to be with if they just joined.  Fees, would range from free to $40 a month for some sites. I could hear people I knew saying “I’m going to have to pay for the date, I have to pay to meet them too?” 

Fast forward to 2015 and I get it. I mean I really get it. There is an old saying you get what you pay for and if you go on many of the free sites…well don’t get mad if you’re disappointed at the results. It’s not to say that some people on those aren’t serious, because they are but there is something to be said about those willing to pay a monthly fee for at least 6 months to find true love. The sites have come a long way in adding compatibility checkers in an effort to help people not waste time. There are sites that cater to the food allergic, friends with benefits, the LGBT community, various minority communities, single parents and even religious communities. You name it, and it’s out there for the picking. So there’s no excuse for people to still be lonely….or is there?

The truth is there are a lot of busy professionals who just don’t go to clubs or have time at social events to pick up a potential date. Dating is looked at as a business. The sites are more of an RFP so you can put it out there, vet for the best offers and pick the one that makes the most sense in the shortest amount of time. With that in mind, why are people still embarrassed to say “hey, look at me, I’m on a dating site” or “yes, I met my love on a dating site?”  I guess it is really about the views and biases we have towards others that we ultimately project on ourselves. By saying we are on a site somehow in the back of our minds says “I just couldn’t get anyone decent to look at me on the street.” In reality that is nothing less than pure, unadulterated bulls*it!  People are busy. People don’t have time to play games. People want you to take the time to tell people who you are an what you are in hopes that by you taking the time to do so, you are less likely to be for lack of a better term a complete “jerk.” Partial jerks are ok (just kidding).

Don’t be fooled into thinking by going on a site you won’t find some of the same issues you find in dating offline, because you will. There are some who don’t mind paying money online to play with people’s emotions because they have NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR LIFE OR MONEY.  Why you’d waste it is a mystery to me, but they are there – female and male. And there will be those with baby mama, baby daddy, emotional baggage, financial drama and more.  It just may be a little easier to spot earlier. There will be some people you meet who could end up being a good friend if all else fails; but, you’ll never know unless you try it.

As for me, I’m still waiting for Mr. Wonderful.  Both offline and online dating, I’ve had conversations with some “Mr. He’s Ok, Mr. I Like You But It’s Not Love, Mr. Hey Never Call Me Again Please.” Right now I’m dealing with a  “Mr. Let’s See Where This Goes” so who knows  what will happen next.

In the meantime, whether online or offline dating, be careful and reserve judgment until you get to know who people are. Take your time because real love isn’t rushed.

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Loving The One Who's Not Ready for It

12/16/2014

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Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

As humans we are designed to desire companionship.  It’s as natural as our need to eat and breathe.  Sadly, many of us end up emotionally compromised as we age for a number of reasons. Some of us are mistreated as children. Others end up in toxic relationships. And some of us end up with behavioral health conditions that can sometimes be compounded or even caused by the types of relationships that surround us.  None of these situations however, stop us from desiring to have a companion of our own. Humans want love!

When we end up damaged from what usually is a close relationship that hurt us so deeply, we don’t always know how to fully recover.  We walk around with that baggage. That same baggage ends up creating the conundrum that becomes our relationship life cycle.  We maneuver to and fro trying to find a partner that suits our needs.  The majority will never suit us because we still carry the fears from the relationships that damaged us deeply and new partners don’t have the antidote for our pain.  It’s been said by many that a patient, loving person is the healing balm for those who have been hurt. In these cases, it has been my experience that this only works when the person who is hurt realizes it is THEIR pain, and THEIR fears that are causing them additional hurt and they are committed to trusting the new person’s love is genuine.

No matter how hard you try, you can never change a person by yourself. A person must realize there is a need for change and be willing to do the work to make the change. All the patience in the world from a person who cares about them will do no good if they themselves don’t do the work. With this said, as we long for companionship we must also learn to long for self-love, fair treatment and commitment to our own emotional well- being.  There is no good that will ever come out of continuously compromising your self-worth for a person who is not ready to value what you have to offer them.  We also should be cautioned to not allow ourselves to become damaged by the effects of trying to love the hurt out of someone who is addicted to pain.

Many people who live with this addiction to pain are those who simply don’t know the joy of living without it. Either they’ve had some sort of emotional hurt their entire lives or the pain they endured from certain situations was so great they literally forgot what life was like before then.  I’d never claim to be an additions specialist or counselor of sorts but what I do know from personal experience is that we are creatures of habit. In this habitual behavior we have things we hold on to that become our normal and subsequently our crutch for not dealing with our personal dysfunction. I have always been a person who does volunteer work and wants to help others, sometimes at the cost of my own self. In my history of relationships this has spilled over and I was worse for the wear because of it. It has become a battle for me that I have often had to fight between trying to be patient in a world where trust is at an all-time low , to waiting so long that I end up being hurt because the person I was trying to convince to trust me was in fact untrustworthy themselves. This predicament is the one many of us find ourselves often.

So how do we deal with this balancing act of still giving self but not to the point of destruction? 

·       Figure out what you need from a partner in a relationship

·       Figure out what you can offer to a partner in a relationship

·       Decide what your negotiables and non-negotiables are that you can stick to

·       Learn the triggers that make you think back to the person who hurt you and ask yourself why you feel           this current person IS NOT the same as the last

·       Realize that you will never have the love you desire until you let go to the pain that hurts you

·       Continue to celebrate you, have you time and understand your needs

·       Put limits on how far you will go to show a person you are genuine and be honest with them about it

Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard to be in that you end up miserable or at odds with one another more than you are happy with each other. They should not complete you, as you need to come into them as a whole person. Instead they should complement you and add value to your life and the life of your mate.

 

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