Copyright 2014
Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved

Today’s woman over 40 dating a younger man is called a cougar.  Back when I was growing up a man 20 years older than a woman was called a dirty old man.  It’s funny how these titles are created for people by people who don’t have a clue how people with big age gaps can be attracted to one another.

  A while back, me being 40 something entertained the thought of a early 30 something guy. He sure did make me smile but at the end of the day he was not at the peak of maturity for his life but I didn’t really expect him to be. The sad things is that many people date others significantly younger than themselves and wonder what happens when it ends.  Though some of these relationships can and have worked, most of them are fun and exciting until the initial passion filled honeymoon period wears off and then it’s like “now what.”

  Dating a younger man is not always a woman’s fantasy but many of us find ourselves in that  predicament because quite honestly, we don’t feel old and being full of life we hold open the chance for a younger man to slip in the door.  It takes a very mature younger man who is grounded and really understands who he is and what he wants to date someone very much his senior.  He also has to consider that women at that age usually don’t want any more children and if he decides in a few years he does, it may be curtains for the relationship.

  Dating a younger woman has been the norm for men for ages. When you have more than 15 years in between ages though, the dynamics change. Men, though often in love with these younger women sometimes have expectations …wifely expectations as far as traditional roles are concerned.  Younger women of today are far more independent and not sitting by the stove making a hot meal for their man all the time. In fact many love to eat out a lot, drop clothes at the dry cleaners and spend a lot of time on social media.  For an older man this may seem cute at first but it will definitely get old sooner than later.


The key to dating someone your senior is being honest about needs and expectations. Also, one should have a clear vision of where they really see themselves in 10 years or so. Depending on how much older you mate is, you may have to ask yourself whether or not you are ready for the responsibility of taking care of them if they become ill.  If you can figure out all of the details and read in between the lines many of these May-December type relationships can be both fun and fulfilling.  As for me the older men are catching my eye these days and I’m just fine where I stand!

Copyright 2014  Aleasa M. Word  All Rights Reserved 

It seems like every day we see another family on the news who left a child or children in a hot car.  Unfortunately, some of the children aren’t found in time and we end up with yet another American tragedy. In some rare cases, it is found to be intentional,  but in others it’s been simply an accident of epic proportion.

I pose the question…what the heck is happening in our country? How is it that we are forgetting kids in cars? Is this a new phenomenon or is it just that the media has found a new spin and is creating a trend that isn’t really a trend at all, but just terrible mishaps?

I’m not the expert in this field,  but I will say busy parents can see how it could happen. All of this news makes me think back to when my own children were smaller, that could have been me! Certainly I’m not speaking about the cases when things are done intentionally, but the accidental issues could happen to any of us. In fact I remember changing childcare centers for my own child at one point and driving to the one we previously used only to remember when I pulled up that I was at the wrong place.  I felt horrible. How could I forget where my own child was?

We are simply on overload and instead of making people out to be bad parents, we should be looking at ways to help people. Jobs are harder to find in many areas of the country than in the past and we are working longer hours. Many of us are commuting two hours or more a day to get to and from a job just to spend a large percentage of our paychecks on commuter expenses and childcare. Are we really living or simply surviving? Does the end justify the means? Has inflation and the need to keep up with current trends turned us into faulty machines stuck on autopilot?

I recently read the Out of Reach Study from the National Low Income Housing Coalition. It noted in 48 US states a worker making minimum wage cannot afford a 2 bedroom apartment. Now that’s stressful! Imagine being that worker who has a child or two and you can’t get childcare nor can you can afford a decent place to live. Where do you work? How do you go back to school? What is you just aren’t college material or can’t get into a trade school because you still need a paycheck and can’t afford to go to school full time? What do you do? Many work two or more jobs functioning off of exhaustion every day. In light of all the stress related to this lifestyle, it’s no wonder some people are at wits end.

It is not acceptable to leave a young child in a car in the heat or cold. These are some of the statements I’ve heard in news reports when it happens:  

•  My kid was up all night and finally went to sleep in the car. I just need to grab a carton of milk in the store.
  

• My parents/friend/mate doesn’t usually take or drop off my kids and they forgot because the child went to sleep in the back
  

• I needed to find a job because I’m about to be (or am) homeless and had no one to watch the kids
  

How sad is it that these are real statements? How sad is it that these people’s minds are so preoccupied by traffic, fear of homelessness, exhaustion and more that we simply can’t remember our kids?

Instead of judging anyone, I challenge everyone who knows someone with kids to shut up, step up and open up their hearts to help. We have lost the help my neighbor way in today’s world. Much is because it seems we can’t trust people with our kids but it certainly can’t hurt when your neighbor knows who you are to offer to pick up some groceries for them. How about offering to walk their dog? For people who are capable of doing so and going in the same direction,  carpooling can even be an option. And for parents, please do all you can to make reminders for yourselves.  Create an alarm, wear a special bracelet, put a stuffed toy on the passenger seat…anything! 

Children being injured or dying can happen accidentally. However, if we can do anything at all to help each other…let’s put our energy where our mouths and judgments are and step up! 

Photo: Ben Francis/Flickr

Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

As humans we are designed to desire companionship.  It’s as natural as our need to eat and breathe.  Sadly, many of us end up emotionally compromised as we age for a number of reasons. Some of us are mistreated as children. Others end up in toxic relationships. And some of us end up with behavioral health conditions that can sometimes be compounded or even caused by the types of relationships that surround us.  None of these situations however, stop us from desiring to have a companion of our own. Humans want love!

When we end up damaged from what usually is a close relationship that hurt us so deeply, we don’t always know how to fully recover.  We walk around with that baggage. That same baggage ends up creating the conundrum that becomes our relationship life cycle.  We maneuver to and fro trying to find a partner that suits our needs.  The majority will never suit us because we still carry the fears from the relationships that damaged us deeply and new partners don’t have the antidote for our pain.  It’s been said by many that a patient, loving person is the healing balm for those who have been hurt. In these cases, it has been my experience that this only works when the person who is hurt realizes it is THEIR pain, and THEIR fears that are causing them additional hurt and they are committed to trusting the new person’s love is genuine.

No matter how hard you try, you can never change a person by yourself. A person must realize there is a need for change and be willing to do the work to make the change. All the patience in the world from a person who cares about them will do no good if they themselves don’t do the work. With this said, as we long for companionship we must also learn to long for self-love, fair treatment and commitment to our own emotional well- being.  There is no good that will ever come out of continuously compromising your self-worth for a person who is not ready to value what you have to offer them.  We also should be cautioned to not allow ourselves to become damaged by the effects of trying to love the hurt out of someone who is addicted to pain.

Many people who live with this addiction to pain are those who simply don’t know the joy of living without it. Either they’ve had some sort of emotional hurt their entire lives or the pain they endured from certain situations was so great they literally forgot what life was like before then.  I’d never claim to be an additions specialist or counselor of sorts but what I do know from personal experience is that we are creatures of habit. In this habitual behavior we have things we hold on to that become our normal and subsequently our crutch for not dealing with our personal dysfunction. I have always been a person who does volunteer work and wants to help others, sometimes at the cost of my own self. In my history of relationships this has spilled over and I was worse for the wear because of it. It has become a battle for me that I have often had to fight between trying to be patient in a world where trust is at an all-time low , to waiting so long that I end up being hurt because the person I was trying to convince to trust me was in fact untrustworthy themselves. This predicament is the one many of us find ourselves often.

So how do we deal with this balancing act of still giving self but not to the point of destruction? 

·       Figure out what you need from a partner in a relationship

·       Figure out what you can offer to a partner in a relationship

·       Decide what your negotiables and non-negotiables are that you can stick to

·       Learn the triggers that make you think back to the person who hurt you and ask yourself why you feel           this current person IS NOT the same as the last

·       Realize that you will never have the love you desire until you let go to the pain that hurts you

·       Continue to celebrate you, have you time and understand your needs

·       Put limits on how far you will go to show a person you are genuine and be honest with them about it

Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard to be in that you end up miserable or at odds with one another more than you are happy with each other. They should not complete you, as you need to come into them as a whole person. Instead they should complement you and add value to your life and the life of your mate.

 

            Copyright 2014   Aleasa M. Word  All Rights Reserved

When people perceive that others do something to hurt our feelings whether maliciously or not, most people want them to verbally apologize. If they don’t, we get angry even if they act like they’re sorry about what they did. Alternatively, there are others who do verbally state an apology, but they do everything except act like they are sorry about what they did. There are some who use the words “I’m sorry” as nonchalantly as they would say “how are you” to a person in an elevator and never wait for a response.

 Author Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled “The 5 Languages of Apology.” In this book, he lets us know that “I’m Sorry” doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone. The problem is we think it does. What we believe is an apology just doesn’t have the same meaning because we weren’t all raised the same way. Believing our perception of the “I’m sorry, I screwed up” is the only way a person can be sorry is merely an example of the ontological arrogance the world lives in. We are getting closer and closer to a culture that somehow believes our perception must be everyone else’s reality or they are wrong.

 Now, I’m not suggesting you wear a sign or t-shirt that spells out how someone is supposed to apologize, but instead that we be more flexible in our thinking. I’m also not suggesting that people don’t need to be held accountable for what they do either.  Truthfully, if someone does something wrong and all of their actions point to being sorry, that is something worth looking at. They may have never used the words sorry at home and old habits die hard.

 When in intimate relationships a question to ask your mate is “what does I’m sorry mean to you?”  Quite logically we can’t go around asking everyone in the world that question, but at least if we can get to it in our most intimate relationships life would be a whole lot happier and far less complicated.

 This sort of thing begins at home with our kids. When was the last time you asked your child or any child around you what the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” mean to them. Without knowledge of what it means to another we will always be at a disadvantage in communication—especially when in the heat of the moment.

 Life is hard with unforgiveness making it almost impossible to get past conflicts. Just remember that sometimes it’s the language of apology that creates the misunderstanding and not someone’s being wrong in the first place.

Copyright 2014     Aleasa M. Word      All Rights Reserved

Society and our stubborn minds would have us thinking once we make a choice or decision, we're married to it forever.  We sometimes want to do things differently or even have new beliefs but we are addicted to the BS of life that says we must not be wishy washy and stick to whatever decisions we make in life.

It is this same scattered thinking that keeps people in bad relationships and jobs where we are being bullied, passed over or simply unsatisfied.  I believe our parents meant well when teaching us to stick to our decisions but there is more to go with that statement that we may not have been taught so well. The comparative is to a child playing an instrument.  A parent allows the child to play and every few weeks the child wants to play a new instrument because they are either bored or the challenge has become too much for them to bare.  Because we want our children to succeed and learn about following things through, we push on to teach them once you make a decision you must simply see it through to the end.  What we forget to say is once you make a "long, hard thought , all angles considered" decision it would be best to see it through.  And because we don't phrase it that way, people grow up their entire life believing they can NEVER stop doing something because it no longer serves their needs, but instead must finish it because that's what "good folks" do. 

I like to tell my clients that we sometimes should think like the government (yes that could be scary).  When they are making a decision about war or any military conflict they look at data on the ground at that moment. They plan and prepare their course of action according to the data they have at that time and the probability that they will win at whatever the conflict is.  Subsequently, when the data or intelligence changes as time goes on they are forced to make a new decision based on the new data.  This is not a wishy washy move, but instead a very calculated one as they sift through the rubble that is military decision making.  This rubble also permeates our lives.  In our personal lives the rubble we must sift through consists of past relationship failures, baggage from growing up, baggage from kids we went to school with and so on.  Sifting through the muck and myer of it all can be tiring, painful and seem to go on without any useless end in sight.  But it is the gem we find in the midst of the rubble that can set us on the path to a new journey of joy, balance and prosperity in life.  If we can just sift through the mess to find what we really want, who we really are and throw out the old ways and beliefs that no longer serve us we could emerge so much better in the end.  The fear is that if we let go of the old stuff we own that we will judged. Sadly, the only person judging us the most harshly is ourselves because we've imposed our beliefs about the world onto ourselves and we don't like it. 

Today is a new day and yesterday can stay right where it's at.  You can decide THIS DAY to be someone else. You can decide THIS DAY to own a new belief system that serves you as the "YOU "you are now as opposed to the person you were many years ago in your parent's home, workplace or with that old (or current ) mate.  The problem is we are afraid of this change because we will face resistance from others who are comfortable with us being uncomfortable in life.  For true friends and people who have your best interest at hand they will surely welcome the change you didn't even know they were waiting on from you. You have a right to make new decisions based on new data and keep it moving. You have a right to not have to explain why you are making better, more informed choices.  The response to the questions is simply "life is too short not to try other directions when you have data to show you how to get there."

Stop making the excuses "this is who I've always been" and instead look at who your are becoming.


Photo: Celestine Chua/Flickr

Copyright 2014                    Aleasa M. Word                 All Rights Reserved

Life can be so hard on us sometimes and though we try to understand things, it’s not always within our ability to do so.  For some people it is an intellectual ceiling that stops them and for others it is a lack of experience in certain areas of life.

I recently did a 12 hour car drive. This was the first time in my life that I ever drove any place over 3 hours away.  Being a bridge phobic person,  I was constantly thinking about the span near my home town that I’d have to go over. A fear of bridges has been something I’ve dealt with on and off for most of my life. There were times when I mostly overcame it only to be back on the side of “I’m not driving over that thing.”  In this case, because of family events I needed to get home. With two kids in tow and the possibility of having to take my dog who didn’t have a vet certification for a flight on such short notice, driving was the only option. 

I psyched myself up the entire ride saying this made no sense and I’d have no choice once I got to the span.  My sister, one of the few people who know I was driving home, knew about my issue and told me she’d meet me if I had a problem.  In my mind I thought of how stupid I’d feel calling saying “I’m on the other side of the span, come meet me I’ll wait a half hour for you even though this thing is only 2 minutes long.”  The moment of truth came as I reached the span sooner than I thought (it was hiding around a curve) and I started to panic. I had to pretend to be calm because my daughter was in the back seat watching my every move. I knew she was afraid for me.  I proceeded to drive over it and started driving slower and slower as I concentrated on breathing in and out.  It seemed like this thing quadrupled in length since the last time I’d been over it and the lanes were more narrow than I remembered.  Cars were annoyed and whizzing by. Some drivers were probably just as nervous as me and simply wanted to get off of that thing.  Eventually I made it.  Once I did,  my daughter said “I was praying for you the whole time, but I was also thinking if she’s scared why not drive faster and get off of it?”  I laughed in a kind of “ok smarty pants” way because she didn’t understand my issue.

At that point I realized I didn’t understand my issue either. I didn’t understand how these structures were built to withstand and support vehicles.  I didn’t understand the human body’s panic mode. I didn’t understand the very thing I used to get through it and that was a deep breathing technique that I just knew worked but not why it worked.  I wondered if I had a better understanding of bridge structures and phobias if I’d of done better.

This same lack of understanding spills over into other parts of life like prejudices people carry towards minorities, economically challenged, people in the LGBT community , single parents, the aged and even young people. If we don’t understand them as individuals it is easy for us to thereby create judgments based on stereotypes we see in the news, hear from others or perhaps from one bad experience with someone that fit their description if not careful.

A recent story in the news about the Clippers basketball team’s owner Don Sterling is an “I don’t understand” story.  He dates a bi-racial woman who recently released a recording  of what is supposed to be him saying he doesn’t want her bring blacks to his games.  The whole thing doesn’t appear to make sense to some because he’s dating a bi-racial woman.  Well plenty of people date outside of their race because their mate is the “ok” person but still hold prejudices for various reasons they don’t even understand themselves.  It’s no different than people judging poor people but dating a person who once was poor and they think they’ve dusted them off and made them the “ok poor person.” There are also others who date people way older than themselves because “they are special” but if another does it, it’s not right.  The list goes on and on.

In life we will never fully understand others. What we can do instead is face our own fears of misunderstanding and learn to have compassion and empathy for others. We can become confident in ourselves so that we accept differences as long as they aren’t hurting others at their own expense.  These fears  can even cause us to be diminished in our capacity to accept good people in relationships because we are afraid of what will happen and often don’t allow ourselves to love you must take risks. 

Fear is a unique driver of many negative behaviors and we know it exists but still allow it to control us.  We don’t understand fear and how we can use it for good thereby cancelling the need to allow them to paralyze us or hinder us from a greater sense of self and self-worth.

Photo : Doug Wheller/Flickr