Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word              All Rights Reserved

 - Share the video  & Buy Your "helpdonthurt tee shirt.  $5.00 of each sale will be donated to the domestic violence coalition www.teespring.com/helpdonthurt-

My heart is heavy every time I hear another story of a domestic violence situation.  Whether they involve celebrities or every day people like you and me it is heartbreaking. Domestic violence tears apart families and communities and can leave life long scars on both the victims and perpetrator as well as be fatal in some severe instances. Today I challenge you to join me in a new campaign called "Help Don't Hurt."  Whether you've been a victim, abuser or a bystander, we can all contribute positively to the healing of those still living in the cycle. Don't judge the victims as stupid or weak. They need support from everyone to help them see what is best for them not condescending words that will make someone who already feels bad about a situation feel worse. Spread the word! #helpdonthurt

Copyright 2014    Aleasa M. Word   All Rights Reserved

Once again the news is on fire about the death of a young black male. This time it was at the hands of a police officer and he was unarmed. Angry mobs of people have had enough and through their hopelessness and helplessness they’ve torn apart the city of Ferguson Missouri……and no, this is not 1960, it’s 2014 and Michael Brown is dead.

Just a few weeks ago Eric Garner was killed in New York after an altercation with the police where he fell victim to a choke hold and it appeared all he did was ask them to stop harassing him because they accused him of selling cigarettes.  A video went viral on the web and over and over again people like me cried listening to him asking them to “please leave me alone” and finally saying “I can’t breathe” only to shortly thereafter be declared dead.

How many more will it take until people realize the marches and protests aren’t working? The anger isn’t working. The summits and tweets aren’t working either. To Amadou Diallo, Jordan Davis, Trayvon Martin, Emmitt Till, Martin Luther King, Malcolm  X, Sean Bell, Medgar Evers and Eric Garner…..you are all black men and your legacy to this world, sadly,  is death.  The death of your dreams is left behind because it has been overshadowed by violence of today. The death of your potential to make a difference in the world is upon us as we slip backwards every time we step forward.  So many of our black men have shed blood on this land we call America and each day we hear of another act of violence whether black on black crime or white on black crime the ending is always the same….another black man, another black son,  lost.

Someone who was outraged yesterday mentioned there are other stories that get bigger press than the loss of lives of our black boys and men and how they were angry about it. It happens so much many have become desensitized.  My response was simply, until the lives of thriving black males have a positive dollar value attached to them,  most won’t care no matter who they are. The current dollar value on a black male’s life now is attached to the money paid to funeral homes, lawyers, therapists and prisons.  Sadly, this negative value is not new. Slavery itself spoke to the monetary value of a black man sometimes at the cost of his life.  Strong black male slaves sold for a lot as they were at the foundation of the sustainability of the plantations.  Fast forward and even the bus boycotts with the great Rosa Parks showed us that the turn in the tide was about the money that was being lost because African American’s weren’t spending it, not the fact that we need to treat people humanely. Today, black men are at the foundation of the sustainability of prisons and economic downturns in the African American communities.  They continue to be feared simply because they are black even when merely crossing a street in many towns. So, candidly I ask, who amongst you is willing to attach value to what they fear?

The cliché’  “money rules the world” is not without merit and it permeates much of the PERCEPTION of what we believe to be human kindness.  The word value is often synonymous with money and that even stands true regardless of the community you are in.  What we believe VALUE means and what is VALUABLE can be different for everyone.  Lives for some are only as valuable as the money attached to them! This is not to negate the efforts and compassion of others outside of minority communities that genuinely care and want to help. However, to be real about it…all of the hugs, arms linked together and protests in the world regardless of how rainbow-like they are still  haven’t fixed the problems of racial profiling of after effects of Jim Crow.  I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times….. fight with your dollars and you’ll go a lot further than with your fists.  

When I asked my 13 year old son how he felt about all of the violent deaths in the African American community these were his thoughts:

“ At this point, every night I really do hope I wake up the next morning……It’s kind of scary thinking when I walk down the street I could die…I know Jordan Davis and Trayvon Martin probably thought the same things I do because they were smart like me…like they wanted to go to school and have a family but they didn’t get the chance.”

He also expressed his anger saying “when a white person kills one of us it’s a big deal and makes the news, but when we kill each other people ignore it…it’s the same thing either way, people are dying and nobody cares.”   

 

Words of a child utter truths that often break the heart. Whether white, black or anything in between, until WE ALL understand that black life has value beyond the dollar, NOTHING will change.  Through the anger over racial profiling and unjust shootings toward those not in the African American community is certainly justified, that same anger must be expressed  towards those who are part of Black America that don’t value the lives of those who look just like us!

We are a broken nation and have been so for a long time. As a parent I teach my children to value the lives of others and wonder how other parents are dropping the ball by not doing the same.  The children who do not value human life over money will be the same ones growing up and having no regard for the black face of a child walking down the street listening to his music.

It’s time to turn the tables. The black man’s legacy in America is becoming nothing more than death in this day. What is left behind is the next generation to repeat the cycle. Instead, we must learn to teach and leave a legacy of pride, integrity, financial stability and most importantly a true love and regard for all of our fellow brothers and sisters. Until we understand the value of a life we will continue to put people out with the trash.

 

Copyright 2014
Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved

Today’s woman over 40 dating a younger man is called a cougar.  Back when I was growing up a man 20 years older than a woman was called a dirty old man.  It’s funny how these titles are created for people by people who don’t have a clue how people with big age gaps can be attracted to one another.

  A while back, me being 40 something entertained the thought of a early 30 something guy. He sure did make me smile but at the end of the day he was not at the peak of maturity for his life but I didn’t really expect him to be. The sad things is that many people date others significantly younger than themselves and wonder what happens when it ends.  Though some of these relationships can and have worked, most of them are fun and exciting until the initial passion filled honeymoon period wears off and then it’s like “now what.”

  Dating a younger man is not always a woman’s fantasy but many of us find ourselves in that  predicament because quite honestly, we don’t feel old and being full of life we hold open the chance for a younger man to slip in the door.  It takes a very mature younger man who is grounded and really understands who he is and what he wants to date someone very much his senior.  He also has to consider that women at that age usually don’t want any more children and if he decides in a few years he does, it may be curtains for the relationship.

  Dating a younger woman has been the norm for men for ages. When you have more than 15 years in between ages though, the dynamics change. Men, though often in love with these younger women sometimes have expectations …wifely expectations as far as traditional roles are concerned.  Younger women of today are far more independent and not sitting by the stove making a hot meal for their man all the time. In fact many love to eat out a lot, drop clothes at the dry cleaners and spend a lot of time on social media.  For an older man this may seem cute at first but it will definitely get old sooner than later.


The key to dating someone your senior is being honest about needs and expectations. Also, one should have a clear vision of where they really see themselves in 10 years or so. Depending on how much older you mate is, you may have to ask yourself whether or not you are ready for the responsibility of taking care of them if they become ill.  If you can figure out all of the details and read in between the lines many of these May-December type relationships can be both fun and fulfilling.  As for me the older men are catching my eye these days and I’m just fine where I stand!

Copyright 2014 
Aleasa M. Word  All Rights Reserved

Today’s blog is direct and if you get offended easily, this one is not for you! I had a conversation with someone the other day about relationships and how some people try to create one with every person they “think” they’re attracted to.  For more reasons than one, we should think harder about who we want to be involved with but for this blog you may want to ask yourself…..how do they really look at ME?   

When people meet they instantly size each other up. Whether it’s two men or two women we form an opinion upon our first meeting. Sometimes it’s right and sometimes not but we do it nonetheless because that is what we are conditioned to do. As it relates to the opposite sex women have a kind of hidden radar that goes off when we meet men. It’s so hidden sometimes that we don’t even realize it’s working because we’ve become accustomed to doing it naturally and it comes second nature to us.

Women have three categories that men end up in and it happens when we aren’t even consciously thinking about it.  No matter how classy we are,  the categories still apply and you can put nice names on them but getting to the core of what they are here it is.. they are :  Sexable (aka Fuc*able), Unsexable (aka Un-Fuc*able) and Ass in a Glass (aka  di*k in a glass)! Yup I said it! Ratchet, raunchy, tacky or whatever it is what it is we are adults and that is the reality whether we say it in a fancy way or go straight gutter with it.  Is it ladylike to put it this way, absolutely not!   Real to think and talk about it? Yes.

I truly believe we suffer from many problems of human condition because of conversations we are NOT having and that needs to stop.  Until we face the fact that we share common thoughts and behaviors we will continue to live in a chronic state of unacceptance of truths we really do need for growth and change.  With that said, the breakdown of the categories goes something like this:

The Sexable Man

This man oozes potential and has a certain aura about him from the moment you meet him or have a conversation with him.  It doesn’t mean he’s just a sex buddy but there is something about him that is attractive in a way that your pheromones are attracted to his. He may never ever become YOUR man but he has a certain prowess that awakens your “hello” attitude! The attraction factor can get us in trouble because the emotion attached to lust can make us miss cues that he may not be the right one for us but once we've categorized him, that's where he stays. The hope is that he has more to offer than his incredible sexiness.

The Unsexable Man

This is the guy who ends up in what many call the dreaded “friend zone.” No matter how nice or attractive he is physically to others, there is something about him that is a complete turn off  for you and you can’t imagine him being anything except your “buddy.”  He could be a co-worker, client or even a drycleaner but he is not the one you want to be with.   He may be attracted to you and for some people it ends up with someone being hurt because just like in the case of women….we all have to be careful that our spending time or paying attention to someone is not mistaken for our liking them.  Sorry guys, if you end up here chances are she is looking to have you as a sounding board about the guys she’s really interested in dating.  On the other hand some men are happy to end up here because they’ve been on the “sex machine” list for other women and they just want a friend to hang out with and accept them outside of the sensuality realm. These are the guy who have no shortage of options but want someone to just chill with as who is also in their friend zone. 

Ass In a Glass

This guy is compared to the old fire/emergency panel on every floor that says “break in case of emergency.”  He has potential but you don’t really want him as your man; however, you haven’t completely ruled him out.  He may be just coming off a relationship and isn’t ready or he may just be that guy that’s like “eh…maybe.”  He may seem like he can bring it but his personality really isn’t one you can see yourself settling down with.  Instant attraction isn’t there, but repulsion is certainly not there either.  He might be someone you could connect with but you’re not investigating that avenue yet and reserving judgment for another time.  In this case he may be the guy you finally go to after everything doesn’t work out or in some case….yes ladies have needs too….he may be the one who ends up performing some routine “maintenance” for you. Why is this guy important?  Unfortunately, many of us miss out on a great buy because he doesn’t instantly fall into the sexable category.  We allow our basic sexual desires to control what is important and until we’ve grown into a place where we can look past that we often end up with the wrong guy.  This guy simply shouldn’t be ruled out! In fact he may be the one to save you a lot of heartache in life if you take a closer look.

Though these categories are ones selected as it pertains to women looking at men, they can certainly be reversed but one of my male friends says there are only two categories men look at. They are Doable and Not-Doable.  Since, I’m not a man I won’t elaborate but I can say I’m not in total disagreement with him.

Relationships are hard whether you have sexual attraction to another person or not. What we would benefit from, however is taking our time to make sure the person we are thinking about connecting with is really relationship material FOR US. This does include sexual compatibility as well as everything else. We can’t deny that this is a big deal and the cause of a lot of relationship problems. Though it is not the only criteria we have to consider, it is certainly one worth a great deal of consideration. 

Photo: Steve C/Flickr

Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word         All Rights Reserved

Love, love, love.  It’s a wonderful thing if you can enjoy it with the right person. How many of us have looked for the right person but found them under the wrong rock? It’s not easy to find love and when you do it can be even harder to keep it.

Women often ask me questions about men and the way they love while men of course ask me the opposite. One thing we know for sure is that women and men are certainly wired differently and until we learn that, embrace it and own it, communication between the sexes will continue to be faulty. 

Emotional in nature, the way women often assess the level of love and or commitment from a man is completely different than what he believes he portrays.  A male friend of mine for instance works a hazardous job with very long hours.  People in his profession have a hard time getting into relationships and maintaining them because of their grueling schedules. The jobs can go on for weeks with long hours and because of safety constraints communication via cell phone or texts during the day can cost them their jobs. They go from area to area around the country and though the money is good, the job itself is tough.   

For many women, the fact that a man like my friend is not available for hours on end can immediately send up a red flag.  It speaks of “wife” or “committed relationship” for those of us who are looking for signs of BS.  To be honest, when I first started getting to know him I thought he was full of sh*t and put on to be more important than he really was.  As we became friends I realized he had a job that left much to be desired especially to a 9 to 5’er type like myself.  Recently,  we talked about people in his profession in relationships. He said “when we find someone strong enough to deal with it, we usually hold on to them pretty tight.”  Even a hard working man knows no matter what what they have to endure, they too want love and when they get it cherish it.  The hoops one has to jump through to be with a person like this can be compared to that of an unpredictable storm where you have to always be ready and deal with the effects of it because the rainbow afterwards will be worth it.

Now certainly a man or even woman in his position has a responsibility as well. The moment they have time they need to make their mate a priority through texting, calling, visiting or whatever else they need to do to keep the connection strong. When they’re not sent on a job they need to make the best of home life so the person braving the storm to be with them can see the value and not feel taken for granted. Cards, letters, flowers or whatever else the two of you have to do to keeps the ties tight are certainly in order.

To keep the grip on your love tight consider the following:

1)     Be realistic and know the role sex and intimacy play to keep the relationship together

2)     Never take the other person for granted

3)     When you’re tired, remember they’re tired too and you both have to make the effort

4)     Learn to have a forgiving heart and try and make things easier for each other

5)     Ask early what their expectations and needs are from you as well as find out the same from them

6)     Don’t play games with anyone’s heart …..KARMA is real

Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to look for love if you want it or do the right thing if you have it. 

Thank you JS.

Copyright 2011     Aleasa M. Word          All Rights Reserved
In memory of the man who inspired this story  in 2011 John C. I am reposting. R.I.P.

Walking into the room, oblivious to anything else  going on, there he stood. Not much to speak of, just a male doing what men do. I  said hello, then he said hello. Then silence. Shortly thereafter, I asked how he  was as we waited for his food to cook in the microwave. He began to make small  talk and then dropped the bomb on me. The "big C" 

Was I friends with this person? NO. Did I really know much about him? NO. Had  I even solicited this information by asking questions about his health? NO. I  was waiting just like he was and then he said it. In an instance I was silent,  yet I knew I should say something. What should I say? What would I say? How
should I react? Did my face have “the look” revealing the letters OMG that just  jumped into my head? Then it struck me. How do you answer cancer? 

I picked up my pieces after only a few seconds which seemed like an hour. I  looked him in the eye and said “you’re going to be fine” as if I  already knew.  I’m not quite sure that was what he expected to hear; but, that’s  what made sense in my mind at that moment. Maybe God gave me those words. For  all of the shock, there was a peace that passed all understanding for this  person who I never really knew on a personal level. (At least for a second that  is.) Though others had been sick before, I began to feel empty for him. He said  “kids get it all the time, so I’ll just have to man up and take my medicine like  they do.” At that second, that very moment, I just wanted to cry and give him a  hug. How could I? Would he be receptive? Would it be appropriate? I stood there  looking at him during that awkward moment crying inside and said “ I will pray  for you.”

When it comes to praying for people I realize praying for someone never costs  us anything. I didn’t even know this man’s views on religion; but,  it came natural to me to say that  to him. He politely said “thank you.” As it never skipping a beat, we continued  on about someone else I knew who’d been recently diagnosed and was getting  treatment. All the while I stood there stunned on the inside, hopeful on the outside.

Why did this man feel he needed to tell me about his recent diagnosis? Was he  that comfortable being around me? Did he feel a peace in the room that I was not privy too? Or  did he just need to talk? Was saying it his way of making it real and accepting  it? How could he just blurt it out? One thing for sure, this was not at all  about me. It was about what he needed to do deal with the cards he was dealt.   It was about my good friend who’d given me her praise report that same day that  she didn’t have the big "C" but had been concerned.  

Suddenly the microwave beeped. What was I supposed to do now? How was this  conversation supposed to end? How can you just walk away when someone drops something this heavy in your lap? How do you answer cancer?  

Having a few relatives who survived breast cancer when I was younger didn’t  give me a real insight into what people have to go through when they have it.  Unless you’re on the front line with them, you don’t have any idea of what it’s  like to deal with the chemotherapy and radiation. No clue about all of the  follow up visits hoping it’s gone. Whether you know these things exist or not,  to know it and to live it are two different beasts. 

God knows I hope we soon find a cure for this dreadful disease. Everyone from  celebrities to John Doe on the street can step into cancer’s path at any time.  They too may be hard pressed to answer the question - How do you answer  cancer?

To them and to you I hope that you may stay well. For those who have it, all  I can really say is be encouraged - though I have no idea at all how you are  really feeling inside. I do know that whatever you are feeling or whatever you  are going through, I give you my love and prayers. I have no answer for cancer
but I know God does.

Copyright 2013 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved

People typically assume the female partner who cheats
with the committed or married man is a woman without morals. After all, how  could she do such a thing if she has proper values in place right?
WRONG!!!

Many men have who like to step outside of their relationships love to pick the “GOOD GIRL” to cheat with and know just how to get her to participate.  These women, though intelligent can often be used BECAUSE of their lifestyles and their values in a way that leaves them broken hearted and riddled with self-esteem issues.  Here are a few reasons why “Bad Boys” love to cheat with “Good Girls.”
 
1. The Secrecy Act:  Many women who fall prey to these types of relationships have built up a solid, healthy reputation in their communities and possibly even nationally.  They have as much to lose as the man who is cheating on his wife or significant other, making secrecy something they can count on almost 100% of the
time. She can’t afford to be looked at as a woman with loose morals having to endure a public scandal.

 2. One Shot Stop:  Not everyone grows up to aspire to be the other woman.  Plenty of women have had relationships that turned out bad and end up alone. These women standing on principal often times get lonely too. These guys know she most likely never did anything like this before and will probably be faithful to them even though they themselves have someone else. This is her first time, and hopefully her last time.  

3.  Clean and Clear:  In a world where sexually transmitted disease transmissions are continuing to rise, unbelievably there are still those who assume because she’s a good girl that somehow makes her instantly disease free.  These are the women these men love!!! They can be free and clear, not using any protection assuming they can’t catch anything because she doesn’t have anything. These young ladies make it easy by proudly volunteering up front they keep their stuff in check and get tested to prove it!  In moves “Mr. I Want to Sleep with You and Dump You” to get a free ride on the good train. 
 
4.  Baby Free Zone:  When the REALLY good girls are selected, the issue of producing a baby is minimized. Because she most likely doesn’t believe in children outside of marriage, some sort of birth control (but not necessarily condoms) will be used to prevent any unwanted pregnancies.  The sad part is even with birth control, IUD or injections, nothing is 100% guaranteed and some men have found
that out the hard way.  “Ummmm, hello wifey….here’s your new step child.”

 5. Hope Springs Eternal:  Because these women usually still  believe true love exists, they are hopeless romantics deep down inside.  This kind of guy is excellent when it comes to honing in on this one and uses it to his advantage.  He appears damaged, in need of an understanding woman and she often feels sorry for him……....End Scene!!!  Wooh, who hasn’t seen this movie before? She’s hooked, desperately trying to play the role of the hero and ends up clearly out of order while he hooks his fish. He’s really good, even pretending to give her tidbits she can prove to condone her needing to help him. 
 
6. Drama Free for Me: This woman gets her feelings intertwined with him before she even realizes what is   happening.  Her self-esteem or confidence is quite high in all areas of her life except for relationships  because she's had to wait so long to get one.  She doesn’t want to drive him away and suppresses everything in her to make sure there is NO DRAMA and he will keep coming back to her.  The tough part is once she realizes she’s not number one, it’s too late and she’s in it for HIM to win it until she gets tired or he moves on. And who knows, in her mind she could be thinking “if I’m not like HER, maybe I’ll be the one.”
 
There are definitely more reasons than these that a “GOOD GIRL” is attractive to a bad boy; however, listing them all would be give those guys more ammunition.  Not all men are like this thank goodness but for those out there who are, I would hope this opens some eyes as women begin to see themselves in one of the scenarios above.  
  
At the end of the day folks, if you don’t want be tied down– simply don’t be tied down. Allow yourself the chance to sew your oats if that’s what you feel you need to do BEFORE you ruin someone else’s heart, break   their trust and leave another bitter person to fend for themselves in the world making it hard for the rest. Though it may be a dog-eat-dog world, it doesn’t have to stay that way but the change can begin with you. In the meantime, I’ll keep praying for all of you!

Copyright 2014  by   Aleasa M. Word   All Rights Reserved

So many people have been outraged recently about the deaths of young African American males it’s not funny. There are people who typically ignore some of the things going on that have to stand up and take notice with all of the viral videos on YouTube, Facebook and other social media sites.  As much as many people don’t want to face it, whether privately or in front of others we are asking ourselves “is it possible that I’m a racist too?”

When people think of racism they automatically think of a deep seated hatred towards people of color. Not many realize that whites too can be discriminated against because of the color of their skin.  In most cases that I’ve had experience with however, the hatred towards whites has been as a direct result of the treatment of people of color instead of hating them simply for their white skin alone.

Either way you look at it hate is wrong! Racial profiling is wrong. Stereotyping of any kind due to race, gender, sexual orientation or even financial status is wrong.  And though outwardly we know this, many people still walk around with prejudices against people of color. But how do you know if you are a racist? How do you know if you possesses the qualities of someone in that category?

The first thing to do is to be open to facing who you really are and what you believe in. Then you have to ask yourself where your beliefs came from- were they inherited or based on experiences in your life?  Dictionary.com describes  a racist as a person who believes in racism, the doctrine that a certain human race is superior to any or all others. You might be thinking “I don’t believe my race is superior to others.” But is that really true?  Do you look down on other people instantly that you wouldn’t look down on if they were not of color? In a case of a theft in your office would you immediately suspect the minority cleaning staff assuming they must be hard up? Now that could be because of race or class but if you had to choose between the black cleaning lady and the white one, who would you trust more asily to clean your office if your wallet was on the desk? When you work at a mall do you instantly think non-whites hanging around window shopping need to be watched more closely? If you’re in a car pull up next to a vehicle of minority teens listening to music (at a reasonable volume) do you instantly catch an attitude or shake your head but know that you wouldn’t do the same if they were white teens? Would you assume the white teens were having fun but the minority teens must be up to something?

If any of those scenarios are you might be a victim of a race washed brain! The truth is we all walk around with various unconscious biases. Does this always make us a bad person? Of course not. Many people simply don’t even realize their thinking is not fair or equal. So you may be thinking…that’s crazy they should know! In all honesty if a person was raised in a town where everyone looked like them, talked like them and lived like them while the only images they saw of minorities were on the 6 o’clock news , what else would they think? There are some families who actively teach racist behaviors to their kids but in a lot of cases the teaching or racist behaviors is passive or in the subconscious. Everything from doll babies to images of Santa Clause and Jesus are traditionally white. Many minority parents have to go the extra mile to get dolls that look like their kids but we don’t see non-minority parents go the extra mile as often to buy minority dolls to give their kids a real sense of what the world looks like.

So here are some check yourself questions to think about. They don’t make you a bad person but instead a REAL person who is looking to make a change in the current landscape of racial inequality in today’s world. Look at yourself as someone who is willing to see who they are, challenge their own belief systems and learn to embrace people for who they are instead of what they look like on the surface.

1.)   What is your initial feeling when you see a group of minority teens hanging around? Ask the same if you were to see white teens.

2.)   What is your initial feeling if you are the only non-minority on a full elevator? Is it fear, disgust, anger, resentment or maybe nothing at all? Ask yourself the same question if it were a elevator full of non-minorities. Why do you feel how you do?

3.)   What is your initial thought behind the reasons why a black male would get shot if you hear it on the news? Would you think the same of a non-minority? What if you found out it was a kid walking down a quiet block but he was black? Would you think he must have done something wrong and THEN wait for the answer?

4.)   What would your initial reaction be if you saw a non-minority woman out with 5 or 6 small children? Would you have the same reaction if they were non-minority? Would you consider they could be watching their nieces or nephews or perhaps a daycare worker? Would you immediately think they were a single mom with a bunch of baby’s daddies? If you saw a white woman in the same shape, would you immediately think “she and her husband have been busy?”

The way we perceive others is always based on a belief system we either inherited or developed because of life’s experiences.  Our belief systems, however are not without fault. To make this world a better place for all of us we could each benefit from checking what we believe and why. A black doctor in scrubs is no different from that doctor wearing his street clothes except in some places he may not be respected because his position  does not outweigh his color.  If he were to be harassed or hurt and later found out he was a prestigious physician, the mindset would be “oh, I didn’t know that” as if somehow the position dominates the value of human life. Wake up America, we all have some work to do on ourselves.

Working with The Good Men Project by contributing articles over the last few months has really opened my eyes to a lot.  I often wonder if people could see what's really behind the eyes of a man if they could handle the pain, fear  and attitudes that so many misinterpret as anger and lack of emotion.  The Representation Project's video on the Mask You Live In says it all.......be careful how you raise your sons, for they will one day turn into men.

Copyright 2012    Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

It’s funny how as we age we begin to hear people say things like “I was born alone, I’ll die alone.” Each time I hear that statement, I can’t  help but wonder “what about thelivingin between birth and  death?”  So many people are afraid  to be alone they’ll do almost anything not to be. They’ll pick up random road  partners, roommates, party mates, bed mates and so on.  Where does that come from? Is it part of that old psychologist Abraham Maslow’s self-actualization  hierarchy of needs under the “belonging” heading? Or is it that we have become so used to congregating together in the civilized world we don’t know how to function independent of others? Maybe it goes back as far as biblical times  where it was written that God said “it is not good for man to be alone.”  Though this is believed to be true by many I venture to add “it is also not good for man to make a mess he doesn’t want to live with.”   Whatever the reason for it, loneliness exists. Now there  is a big difference in being alone and lonely as we all know. There aren’t too   many of us who haven’t known people who are married, have children or some  other significant other but still seek significance everywhere they go. These   people are surrounded by others but are very lonely on the inside. They have not found a connection within themselves that permits them to feel the companionship of others in their circle. In some cases the “others” they have   in their life serve as nothing more than white noise, just there for the ride   for no rhyme or reason. There is no positive purpose, they just exist. 

· How many do you know that have these white noise types of intimate relationships? Are you one?
· Have you ever questioned your motives or those of others who have someone in their life yet they have no 
  real desire to be with them?
· What is so lacking in a person that they would continue to tolerate this?
· How do we uncover or rebuild our value systems to avoid settling “just so that we have  someone? “
· Is it that people are worried others will see them as inadequate if they don’t have a  mate?

I’d like to think this loneliness avoidance strategy only pertains to those who have been in long term relationships and lost their desire to function alone, but that’s not true. From those green to the intimate   relationship world and those who are veterans, it happens every day. What can we do to deal with this and maintain our dignity at the same time?
 
· Remember, just  because you are by yourself does not mean anything is wrong with you. 
· Create your OWN  set of relationship standards with non-negotiables that you know you need to be happy  
  and connected to a partner.
· Develop your OWN hobbies, habits and interests to fulfill you before your try to fulfill someone else or vice
  versa. 
· Date yourself  for a while so YOU may like YOU all by yourself and increase the likelihood of  finding
  someone who likes you just as you  are.
 
It’s a sad reality, relationships just aren’t’ what they   used to be.  Many people lack  values and throw away hearts like tissues. This has created a culture full of  bitter people who stay alone and miserable or others so desperate for  companionship they will stay with anyone rather than being by themselves. 
 
Far be it from me to tell anyone to leave a relationship unless they were in physical danger. Yet, I will say you need to ask yourself if the position your mate is in can be filled with anyone similar to them. If   the answer is yes, they have become merely a placeholder in your life and  that’s not fair to them or you. If the answer is no, they are irreplaceable, then more than likely your relationship is pretty solid at least from your  perspective. Either way, loneliness is a state of mind that comes from within. It is best served with introspection and learning to be whole all by yourself. 
 

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Copyright 2013    Aleasa M. Word    All Rights Reserved

Each day I see countless reminders of the massacre that is happening to the black man in our world.   This massacre is not just from physical death but from emotional deaths as well.   Our black men are dying from the inside out and it grieves me to no end. I must first say that I love  black men. I was created by a black man, I raised one black man and am working on raising my second.  
 
Today I read yet another article on the statistics as they relate to the homicide rate of black males from the ages of 15-34 noting what many of us already know – homicide is the leading cause of death for these men.  It went on to quote yet another widely known statistic about the life expectancy being lower than other races.  Sadly, the fact is, in reading this article it didn’t give me any information I wasn’t already aware of. It didn’t have any NEW numbers, let alone NEW hope that would have surprised me.  These same statistics are regurgitated over and over again -  day after day, year after year with no significant changes to the positive.  
 
I’m sick and tired of crying over what is reported in the news. I’m sick and tired of breaking down every
time a young black man is incarcerated. I’m sick and damn tired of being afraid for my two sons every day and having to constantly reiterate the extra level of caution they must take everywhere they go and in everything they do. 
 
In the end if they aren’t killed first, the lifelong burden on the shoulders of our black men is  astronomical. Just making it  through school , battling bad neighborhoods, stereotypes from teachers and the public should be enough -  but it’s not. Because so many are looked at as a threat especially the darker their skin is, corporate America is still not as friendly to them as it is to others.  Women of other cultures still cross the street to avoid even the most innocent black man or clutch their purses tighter in an elevator in spite of a man being suited up. Stress levels in these men cause high rates of hypertension, drug addiction, unchecked depression, and even add to weight gain and cancer rates. 
 
It is still problematic that black men aren’t usually expected to be doctors, lawyers, scientists or
professors. Other cultures in contrast groom their young men (usually without choice) to walk the path of education towards those careers from grade school. Questions I’d like to pose in relation are:  

• Why does it seem that in America, the     black culture is its own worst enemy when it comes to these
  advanced  career paths in life?

• Why are our sons and daughters in a frame of mind that makes them think it is not only ok but
  normal to tease,  isolate and bully their OWN peers for being smart and wanting to follow in the footsteps of professional people?  

• Why aren’t we taking our  kids to museums and watching discovery channel with them? 
• Why is that boring to us when we say we want more for them? 
• Why aren’t we seeking opportunities outside of our neighborhoods? 
• Why aren’t we teaching our children to take pride in their appearance EVERY day instead of this
  everything goes (straight to a path of destruction that is) in every scenario?
• Why are we not teaching our children there is a difference in behaviors at home, school, the workplace
  and the community?

Is it because we don’t know any better, are lazy or so busy trying to get through the grunge of daily life
that we are tired, frustrated and overwhelmed EVERY SINGLE DAY? 
 
Whose responsibility is it to show our young men they not only should strive for more but CAN HAVE MORE AND  BE BETTER AT THE MORE? Whose responsibility is it to nurture them emotionally when they are so filled with fear all they can do is live offensively every day? It is all of ours. It is the responsibility of women who are bashing men and telling them they “ain’t sh*t” while their own sons hear it and believe this to
be true about themselves.  It is the responsibility of our current men who are mistreating women and making their daughters think the only way to get love is to be the next trick on the pole for attention.  It is also the
responsibility of the person who feels they have made it in life but does not want to look back because it’s too painful to face realities we are uncomfortable with.  And it is the responsibility of those who know right from wrong to NOT forget we must teach in order for people to learn. 
 
We are still failing as a people in so many ways!!! Our sons are dying!!! They are afraid inside, sick
inside and play hard on the outside until the inside eventually rots the outer flesh. I can’t take seeing OUR MEN this way, MY MEN this way.  In order for the black race or any race to survive we must create and
nurture strong men. Men are supposed to be the survivalists providing and protecting the families.  But who
protects and provides for them? Who allows them to not be judged when they are in their most vulnerable state?  Who tells them it is ok to ask for help, get it and then give back to the next man or woman?
 
I cannot nor will I even attempt to speak on behalf of other women. What I can say is I’m doing my best
as a woman to raise effective, valuable, giving, caring, responsible men and include positive male mentors along the way.  My past, like many other women may not have been rich with men who fit this description; however, that does not absolve me from the responsibility of  helping my own sons to be great men for
the betterment of the black race, the black family and mankind in general. 
 

Photo Terry Schweitzer/Flickr 
 
 

Photo by Nuno Alberto on UnsplashAleasa M. Word     Copyright 2013    All Rights Reserved

Too many children walk around in the US knowing or living with only one parent. Two parents homes just aren't the norm like they were back in the 50's, 60's or even 70's. Single parents work tirelessly to keep food on the table, clothes on their backs and a roof over their heads.  The emotional needs of the child often go unmet because one person simply can't do it all. For those who even attempt to do it all, they are too exhausted to even enjoy the time spent with their children.

What happened to the days where the male uncle or cousin stepped in to fill the gap for the absent father? What about the older brothers who had it rough but vowed to never let that happen to their little brother or sister? My have times changed! Is it because we live in such a transient society and families are all over the place? Could it be because we've become so lazy we've learned to relax the standards so much we are too tired to care? Or is it we are lost because work hours are long, commutes are long and productivity is expected beyond levels of normal human ability?

With all of these things going on how do we stop the cycle of abandonment our children continue to live through generation after generation? Those same uncles that used to pitch in have gotten older and the next generation hasn't picked up the torch. The big brothers who swore they'd never let their younger siblings feel the same pain they felt have forgotten what it feels like to be pushed to the side, forgotten about and treated as an afterthought - thus doing the same things themselves to their own siblings.

The cycle of abandonment is like a never ending curse in some families always producing the same negative results. Each generation naively says "it stops with me" yet we see it doesn't.  If you are ready to stop the cycle and truly do something about it, check out these tips on how to turn abandonment into banding together for families.

1. Save promises for things YOU are absolutely sure you can deliver on.  Stop disappointing children, wives, 
    husbands, etc. with empty promises that end up in a bunch of I'm sorrys over and over.

2. Schedule time with young people so they KNOW how important they are to you and make sure to
    eliminate distractions or interruptions.

3. When you apologize mean it and then DON'T DO IT AGAIN when you've messed up.

4. Be accessible.  Make sure to answer phone calls or text messages when young people contact you and
    teach them to do the same.

5. Practice AND Preach accountability.  Take responsibility for your actions and make the necessary
    changes.

6. Build Trust.  Young people who are often disappointed in adults learn to NOT trust them as a defense
    mechanism.  Keep your word, mean what you say and any time not spent should be made up for.

7. Take your time.  Time is your friend when it comes to building and maintaining relationships with young 
    people. Don't try to push them or assert your authority when you aren't sure what to do.  Relax and think
    through how you would feel if in their shoes.

Girls who feel abandoned seek out someone to fill that space often selecting the wrong mate. Boys who feel abandoned learn to NOT trust and end up with relationship issues due to their emotional unavailability.  Raising kids is not an easy task, nor is mentoring them.  One thing for sure is that consistency speaks volumes and this is the easiest way to break the abandonment cycle. Stay consistent even through challenging times and you will teach kids to NOT walk away from their problems or responsibilities.

Copyright 2013        Aleasa M. Word              All Rights Reserved

Sometimes people see you by yourself and assume you are either too miserable to be with someone or you are alone because you want to be. More times than not, neither are true. 

I've been divorced for 6 years.  The first year or two I decided I needed to find out what caused me to get in to toxic relationships over and over again so I stayed alone on purpose. After that I tried the dating scene only to find it had changed quite a bit since I'd dated many years before.  Frustrated at the games people still played at my age, I decided to focus on my career. I started a business and went back to school to finish a degree that should have been done many years ago. I thought all I needed was God, my kids, my dog and me.  Ok, so you guessed it.....that got old too.  Then I started dating again but just didn't feel like dealing with anyone else's emotions.  It's a funny thing about being by yourself for a while; you get used to doing things your way and don't feel like you want to change anymore.

As time went on I realized I didn't have to change from the new me I'd grown to like. Instead I needed to wait until someone was available to embrace me for exactly who I was.  And I too would have to embrace them as they were at that moment. We are taught sometimes that we shouldn't be too picky and people aren't perfect.  After much soul searching I realized I didn't need a perfect man but I wanted one who fit perfectly into my life and I his. I hurt when I hear women say things like men ain't shit or I don't need a man they're a waste of time.  Everyone could benefit from healthy companionship.  There are certain things in addition to sex that a woman just can't do for me. There are ways a man can make me feel that a bunch of female friends never could.  I embrace my womanhood and my desire to have a man by my side who compliments my life.  What I don't embrace is having to change or dummy down to be with someone just because I don't want to be alone.

Standing true to your values and desires can be very difficult in a world filled with incomplete people who don't know how to have relationships.  But if I settled for one of them, I'd only be setting myself back and making my life as bad as it was years ago when I was a broken woman.  I love the me I am today. The woman I am today is smart. Some say I've always been smart but I mean ME smart. I know who I am. I know whose I am. I know what I like, dislike, need and don't need. I know my limits and abilities to deal or not deal with certain things. I am simply comfortable in a skin that I've lived in my entire life and refuse to compromise it. I also refuse to try and settle down with someone I want to change. How fair would that be to them to not accept them for who they are.  I have no bitterness about my messy divorce or the one before that who decided one day to  beat me until both my eyes were black.  To all the women who stay and deal with that, you don't have to - I didn't.  These were broken people who too needed internal healing.  They deserve a second chance in life just not ever a second chance with me. 

We are all good in a relationship in our life if we find the right relationship for us.  Life and media that fuels it encourages us to live the dream or the fairytale.  Because we are conditioned to believe the fairytale is true we end up disappointed over and over again.  We continue to be alone even when we are in relationships with people who we are supposed to be in love with.

There is no loneliness in my life anymore whether or not I'm alone.  Dating is great these days but it's on my terms and on my time. Not everyone wants to be alone but more often than not it's the only way to find out who you really are and what you deserve.

Photo: Flickr

Copyright 2013        Aleasa M. Word        All Rights Reserved

For every 9 ½ times out of 10 I hear a story about a single mom it’s negative.  We are  called baby mama’s, drama queens, bitter, chicks with attitude and even blamed for every child who has gone wrong when they don’t have a father present.  Studies are done professionally and unprofessionally. Everybody is  
critic!  We are blamed for welfare  and food stamp burdens and often for ruining the lives of men who would have been fine had we not gotten pregnant. We are stupid for trying to help men we  love if they’re down on their luck and too independent when we set high standards because we want more for our children and ourselves. And in addition to all of that we are supposed to be psychics because EVERYONE knew the guy we had a kid by was no good but we should have seen that right?  People are taken advantage of by scams every single day but they're not blamed for not being smart enough in most cases yet single moms are! 
 
With all of that how on earth is a woman supposed to have even a shred of positive self esteem?  Additionally with all of these negative stereotypes has anyone bothered to think what impact all of that would have on our abilities to mother our children effectively.  Oh that’s right, because they’re in a one parent home they automatically qualify for the school of “guaranteed screwed up kid” right? 
 
Here are some facts the official and unofficial media does not present when discussing these horrible, useless single moms we are supposed to be:
 
· Many of us are DIVORCED due to marriages that ended when things just didn't go right 
· There are plenty of successful people who were products of a single parent home
· Not all kids who are in single parent homes are drug addicts and criminals
·Single moms have feelings and needs too (imagine that)
·Most single moms work, holding down where they live by themselves and many without any child support
  while BUYING homes
·Not all single moms bring a bunch of guys around their kids & to the contrary many of us refuse to for while
·And yes, it is possible for a man to pretend to be something he is not just like a woman can and when we  
  realize it, it’s too late (it’s called acting)
 
Raising kids is hard even if you have a two parent home; but, when you have a society so self-absorbed they refuse to take a collective  approach to accepting responsibility for failing all of our children someone
becomes the scapegoat. In America single moms get a horrible rap but here are is our reality:
 
·We work full time jobs, run companies, go to school and use both sick and vacation to take care of kids we  
  did not have by ourselves
· We must manage our budgets, childcare, health care and still show up to work without letting on that we
  are having  issues
· We are still expected to perform at the same level as our married counterparts even if we were up all night
  at the hospital by ourselves with a sick kid
· We DO care about our kids and work  hard to help them get a quality education
· We cannot complain about our jobs as mothers because most  don’t want to hear it and will throw in our
  faces we got our own selves in this predicament
· We hurt inside when we see other kids having benefits of  two parent families, additional income and a solid
  support system but we must  pretend we are fine
· We are chronically tired and would love to date but finding time to investigate the new guy before bringing 
  him around our kids is sometimes too hard
· Many of us hate having to carry the entire load and the  fact that we do is looked at as if we don’t need
  anyone when in fact we haven’t  found anyone who doesn’t NEED us to do it  all
 
Single mothers are the strongest people in the world if  you ask me.  We are also  undervalued, misunderstood and damn tired! Even those of us who are at home don’t just sit there. Gone are the days of welfare recipients just sitting around doing nothing. The US has made sure these young ladies either go to
school or work. If they don’t, there are no  benefits but we still get blamed for collecting more welfare than anyone else and not deserving it while the facts often prove that wrong.  I’ve been fortunate to never have been on public assistance but know many who have and they don’t love it!!! They hate it and wish they could do better but every time they try there’s a sick kid or worse their own sickness from stress that gets in
the way.
 
Please stop giving single mothers a bad name. We are stressed women who are over worked, underpaid and our homes are understaffed! We rob Peter to pay Paul, wait for child support checks to come that often don’t or  aren’t enough and find ways to feed kids who can’t wait until next payday to eat. And yes many are angry but if you had to do all of this and were blamed  for the downfall of the entire country because of your supposedly unruly, unfortunate children you would be too!  But who gives a damn about single  mothers anyway right? 

Copyright  2013  Aleasa M. Word    All Rights Reserved
 
A young lady recently reached out to me for help. She was in her early twenties and was a single mother. She had a tough life growing up.  Born to a crack addicted mother and partially raised by a crack addicted father, it was almost as if she had no chance of survival.  Fortunately another family member stepped in to help raise her. They did the best they could but over the years, her pre-disposition to drug abuse finally dug in its ugly heals. 
 
This young woman reached her early twenties and faced odds most of us can only read about just to finally succumb to the environment in which she was born.  After realizing she did something awful that could ultimately affect her two year old  son she needed to find a way out. She wanted to find a way to get out of the cycle of drug addiction, poverty, single parenthood and violence she’d become so accustomed to. But how could she do it, now facing a criminal record? What is a person supposed to do when they mess up so badly one time and they can’t see their way out? What can a person do whose support system is in place but the only thing it’s supporting is a rash of negative words and condescending comments aimed at an already beaten person? 
 
After speaking with this young lady all I could do was cry on the way home and thank God for the opportunities I’ve had and choices I’ve made.  The pain in her eyes cried out to me begging for help as she sat in a state of despair trying her best to hold on to what dignity she had left.  During this moment of revelation I also began to ask myself whether or not I was even equipped to help her. I’ve never been arrested in my life though I’ve worked to help many who have. I wasn’t born to drug addicted parents nor raised by a family member other than my own parents and again I know many who were. Even with that she thanked me over and over for simply listening. She thanked me for caring enough to spend time with her and
for even trying to help her get on track and find a job. 
 
So many of us have no idea the insurmountable odds other face. We try and try to be helpful but end up judging people in the end. We ask questions like “why did they even try drugs if they knew they were susceptible to addiction?” Or other things like “with all of the programs out there to help people now days why would anyone go that way?” Hearing questions like that used to piss me off but now I take a deep breath as I try to digest the ignorance of people who haven’t been there.  In trying to fix our welfare system which was giving a free pass to so many who took advantage, those still in real need of assistance are now suffering because of all of the cuts. Many addiction programs have certain stipulations like: you must have been convicted of a crime, you must be addicted to certain types of drugs or  you must be on public assistance.  We don’t have enough resources and people get desperate. Desperation turns to uncivilized behaviors
that the masses often don’t understand. 
 
I don’t really know what the answer is for this young lady but I do know I’m going to do what I can to help her. She enrolled herself in a drug addiction program after she finally had her one brush with the law. She is now living with these same family members that beat her down every day as the drugs call her name trying to convince her to let them ease the pain as she looks in her baby’s eyes trying with everything she has to beat it.  My hope is that she can get the charge dropped to something lower and get  her life back on track. But if she can’t the cycle of addiction and poverty will continue and her child will be the next one in a line of statistics that need to change.

Copyright 2013           Aleasa M. Word         All Rights Reserved

Note:  Mz. Word offers an exclusive men's program at www.chapteriiformen.com


About a year ago I chatted with a man via social media who was on the verge of a divorce and said he was afraid he was going to have a nervous breakdown.  He was devastated because he simply wanted out. His significant other wanted to stay in their situation even though she was miserable too.  They’d been to counseling 4 times and separated twice.  He was stuck and just didn’t know what to do anymore. He admitted he loved her deeply but was not IN LOVE with this woman and felt like an awful man for wanting a divorce because he didn’t want to hurt her.

I find it funny that we continue to believe that women who are usually thought of as emotional creatures somehow get exclusivity to that title when men are automatically deemed the polar opposite.  We are finding more people know that but fewer people acknowledge it.  Many of us ladies complain that we want men to show more emotion yet if they do we sometimes lose respect.  Men, to put it bluntly, are just as emotional if not more so in some cases; but, the way in which they exhibit their emotion is not the same as it is for the majority of women.  Mostly in part because it is not acceptable from a societal standard for men to be openly emotional, they tend to suppress their feelings.  Through a trained eye and ear, however, a person can tell when a man is in emotional turmoil.

I challenge women to make a decision when it comes to men.  Just like we can’t be all things they want, they aren’t going to be all things we want either.  We need to decide which of those things we can and cannot live with.  In making that decision I will caution as to the rule that should go along with it.  If we choose to live with certain things as it pertains to others it means we have let go of our emotional feelings of resentment and dislike over those tendencies or behaviors.  It means we have fully accepted this is a part of that person that simply just “IS” and more than likely will never change no matter how much we really want it to.  If you cannot get to THAT place, then you have not accepted the issue that is bothering you and it brings you to a place where you will either have to look at your own value systems or move on. 

Because men tend to compartmentalize things, it makes us feel sometimes as if they don’t care.  Everything has its place and so they can continue to function with work and whatever else is on their plate they have to do what they have to do!  As in the case of moving on, once they make a decision to do so there is often no going back.  This does not indicate they don’t care but things often happen in a sequential manner and this is the sequence in which they see things going at that time.  Sometimes that decision is wrong and other times it is right; but, regardless it is a decision they choose to own.  Inside they have usually anguished with the decision for quite some time if they genuinely cared for the other person long before it was apparent. 

I recently read a post on Facebook where someone said “if women can fake orgasms, why can’t men fake relationships?”  The truth is we all have had times when we faked the reality of our relationships.  Women may ask if he’s trying to figure out whether or not he should stay shouldn’t he discuss this with us as soon as he feels this way? Ladies – HELL NO!!! They know how we are and that can open up a can of worms they may not be willing to deal with at that time.  The truth is, it could just be a lull.  They could just be bored or they need to weigh all things out just like we do when we commiserate with other women about what’s going on in our own lives (bad move to discuss all or your relationship details with another female though).  

Just as our little boys that we raise have feelings where they outwardly cry, men still cry but most are just not as obvious.  If your relationship ended or is in the phase of ending and you know for a fact that you two were at some point in love, know also that this is not easy on him.  Unfortunately, someone had to make a choice for you both to find happiness again and perhaps it was him.

Breakups are no easy but the times we spend together should be cherished because nothing in this life is guaranteed.