Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word         All Rights Reserved

Love, love, love.  It’s a wonderful thing if you can enjoy it with the right person. How many of us have looked for the right person but found them under the wrong rock? It’s not easy to find love and when you do it can be even harder to keep it.

Women often ask me questions about men and the way they love while men of course ask me the opposite. One thing we know for sure is that women and men are certainly wired differently and until we learn that, embrace it and own it, communication between the sexes will continue to be faulty. 

Emotional in nature, the way women often assess the level of love and or commitment from a man is completely different than what he believes he portrays.  A male friend of mine for instance works a hazardous job with very long hours.  People in his profession have a hard time getting into relationships and maintaining them because of their grueling schedules. The jobs can go on for weeks with long hours and because of safety constraints communication via cell phone or texts during the day can cost them their jobs. They go from area to area around the country and though the money is good, the job itself is tough.   

For many women, the fact that a man like my friend is not available for hours on end can immediately send up a red flag.  It speaks of “wife” or “committed relationship” for those of us who are looking for signs of BS.  To be honest, when I first started getting to know him I thought he was full of sh*t and put on to be more important than he really was.  As we became friends I realized he had a job that left much to be desired especially to a 9 to 5’er type like myself.  Recently,  we talked about people in his profession in relationships. He said “when we find someone strong enough to deal with it, we usually hold on to them pretty tight.”  Even a hard working man knows no matter what what they have to endure, they too want love and when they get it cherish it.  The hoops one has to jump through to be with a person like this can be compared to that of an unpredictable storm where you have to always be ready and deal with the effects of it because the rainbow afterwards will be worth it.

Now certainly a man or even woman in his position has a responsibility as well. The moment they have time they need to make their mate a priority through texting, calling, visiting or whatever else they need to do to keep the connection strong. When they’re not sent on a job they need to make the best of home life so the person braving the storm to be with them can see the value and not feel taken for granted. Cards, letters, flowers or whatever else the two of you have to do to keeps the ties tight are certainly in order.

To keep the grip on your love tight consider the following:

1)     Be realistic and know the role sex and intimacy play to keep the relationship together

2)     Never take the other person for granted

3)     When you’re tired, remember they’re tired too and you both have to make the effort

4)     Learn to have a forgiving heart and try and make things easier for each other

5)     Ask early what their expectations and needs are from you as well as find out the same from them

6)     Don’t play games with anyone’s heart …..KARMA is real

Don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to look for love if you want it or do the right thing if you have it. 

Thank you JS.

Copyright 2011     Aleasa M. Word          All Rights Reserved
In memory of the man who inspired this story  in 2011 John C. I am reposting. R.I.P.

Walking into the room, oblivious to anything else  going on, there he stood. Not much to speak of, just a male doing what men do. I  said hello, then he said hello. Then silence. Shortly thereafter, I asked how he  was as we waited for his food to cook in the microwave. He began to make small  talk and then dropped the bomb on me. The "big C" 

Was I friends with this person? NO. Did I really know much about him? NO. Had  I even solicited this information by asking questions about his health? NO. I  was waiting just like he was and then he said it. In an instance I was silent,  yet I knew I should say something. What should I say? What would I say? How
should I react? Did my face have “the look” revealing the letters OMG that just  jumped into my head? Then it struck me. How do you answer cancer? 

I picked up my pieces after only a few seconds which seemed like an hour. I  looked him in the eye and said “you’re going to be fine” as if I  already knew.  I’m not quite sure that was what he expected to hear; but, that’s  what made sense in my mind at that moment. Maybe God gave me those words. For  all of the shock, there was a peace that passed all understanding for this  person who I never really knew on a personal level. (At least for a second that  is.) Though others had been sick before, I began to feel empty for him. He said  “kids get it all the time, so I’ll just have to man up and take my medicine like  they do.” At that second, that very moment, I just wanted to cry and give him a  hug. How could I? Would he be receptive? Would it be appropriate? I stood there  looking at him during that awkward moment crying inside and said “ I will pray  for you.”

When it comes to praying for people I realize praying for someone never costs  us anything. I didn’t even know this man’s views on religion; but,  it came natural to me to say that  to him. He politely said “thank you.” As it never skipping a beat, we continued  on about someone else I knew who’d been recently diagnosed and was getting  treatment. All the while I stood there stunned on the inside, hopeful on the outside.

Why did this man feel he needed to tell me about his recent diagnosis? Was he  that comfortable being around me? Did he feel a peace in the room that I was not privy too? Or  did he just need to talk? Was saying it his way of making it real and accepting  it? How could he just blurt it out? One thing for sure, this was not at all  about me. It was about what he needed to do deal with the cards he was dealt.   It was about my good friend who’d given me her praise report that same day that  she didn’t have the big "C" but had been concerned.  

Suddenly the microwave beeped. What was I supposed to do now? How was this  conversation supposed to end? How can you just walk away when someone drops something this heavy in your lap? How do you answer cancer?  

Having a few relatives who survived breast cancer when I was younger didn’t  give me a real insight into what people have to go through when they have it.  Unless you’re on the front line with them, you don’t have any idea of what it’s  like to deal with the chemotherapy and radiation. No clue about all of the  follow up visits hoping it’s gone. Whether you know these things exist or not,  to know it and to live it are two different beasts. 

God knows I hope we soon find a cure for this dreadful disease. Everyone from  celebrities to John Doe on the street can step into cancer’s path at any time.  They too may be hard pressed to answer the question - How do you answer  cancer?

To them and to you I hope that you may stay well. For those who have it, all  I can really say is be encouraged - though I have no idea at all how you are  really feeling inside. I do know that whatever you are feeling or whatever you  are going through, I give you my love and prayers. I have no answer for cancer
but I know God does.

Copyright 2013 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved

People typically assume the female partner who cheats
with the committed or married man is a woman without morals. After all, how  could she do such a thing if she has proper values in place right?
WRONG!!!

Many men have who like to step outside of their relationships love to pick the “GOOD GIRL” to cheat with and know just how to get her to participate.  These women, though intelligent can often be used BECAUSE of their lifestyles and their values in a way that leaves them broken hearted and riddled with self-esteem issues.  Here are a few reasons why “Bad Boys” love to cheat with “Good Girls.”
 
1. The Secrecy Act:  Many women who fall prey to these types of relationships have built up a solid, healthy reputation in their communities and possibly even nationally.  They have as much to lose as the man who is cheating on his wife or significant other, making secrecy something they can count on almost 100% of the
time. She can’t afford to be looked at as a woman with loose morals having to endure a public scandal.

 2. One Shot Stop:  Not everyone grows up to aspire to be the other woman.  Plenty of women have had relationships that turned out bad and end up alone. These women standing on principal often times get lonely too. These guys know she most likely never did anything like this before and will probably be faithful to them even though they themselves have someone else. This is her first time, and hopefully her last time.  

3.  Clean and Clear:  In a world where sexually transmitted disease transmissions are continuing to rise, unbelievably there are still those who assume because she’s a good girl that somehow makes her instantly disease free.  These are the women these men love!!! They can be free and clear, not using any protection assuming they can’t catch anything because she doesn’t have anything. These young ladies make it easy by proudly volunteering up front they keep their stuff in check and get tested to prove it!  In moves “Mr. I Want to Sleep with You and Dump You” to get a free ride on the good train. 
 
4.  Baby Free Zone:  When the REALLY good girls are selected, the issue of producing a baby is minimized. Because she most likely doesn’t believe in children outside of marriage, some sort of birth control (but not necessarily condoms) will be used to prevent any unwanted pregnancies.  The sad part is even with birth control, IUD or injections, nothing is 100% guaranteed and some men have found
that out the hard way.  “Ummmm, hello wifey….here’s your new step child.”

 5. Hope Springs Eternal:  Because these women usually still  believe true love exists, they are hopeless romantics deep down inside.  This kind of guy is excellent when it comes to honing in on this one and uses it to his advantage.  He appears damaged, in need of an understanding woman and she often feels sorry for him……....End Scene!!!  Wooh, who hasn’t seen this movie before? She’s hooked, desperately trying to play the role of the hero and ends up clearly out of order while he hooks his fish. He’s really good, even pretending to give her tidbits she can prove to condone her needing to help him. 
 
6. Drama Free for Me: This woman gets her feelings intertwined with him before she even realizes what is   happening.  Her self-esteem or confidence is quite high in all areas of her life except for relationships  because she's had to wait so long to get one.  She doesn’t want to drive him away and suppresses everything in her to make sure there is NO DRAMA and he will keep coming back to her.  The tough part is once she realizes she’s not number one, it’s too late and she’s in it for HIM to win it until she gets tired or he moves on. And who knows, in her mind she could be thinking “if I’m not like HER, maybe I’ll be the one.”
 
There are definitely more reasons than these that a “GOOD GIRL” is attractive to a bad boy; however, listing them all would be give those guys more ammunition.  Not all men are like this thank goodness but for those out there who are, I would hope this opens some eyes as women begin to see themselves in one of the scenarios above.  
  
At the end of the day folks, if you don’t want be tied down– simply don’t be tied down. Allow yourself the chance to sew your oats if that’s what you feel you need to do BEFORE you ruin someone else’s heart, break   their trust and leave another bitter person to fend for themselves in the world making it hard for the rest. Though it may be a dog-eat-dog world, it doesn’t have to stay that way but the change can begin with you. In the meantime, I’ll keep praying for all of you!

Copyright 2014  by   Aleasa M. Word   All Rights Reserved

So many people have been outraged recently about the deaths of young African American males it’s not funny. There are people who typically ignore some of the things going on that have to stand up and take notice with all of the viral videos on YouTube, Facebook and other social media sites.  As much as many people don’t want to face it, whether privately or in front of others we are asking ourselves “is it possible that I’m a racist too?”

When people think of racism they automatically think of a deep seated hatred towards people of color. Not many realize that whites too can be discriminated against because of the color of their skin.  In most cases that I’ve had experience with however, the hatred towards whites has been as a direct result of the treatment of people of color instead of hating them simply for their white skin alone.

Either way you look at it hate is wrong! Racial profiling is wrong. Stereotyping of any kind due to race, gender, sexual orientation or even financial status is wrong.  And though outwardly we know this, many people still walk around with prejudices against people of color. But how do you know if you are a racist? How do you know if you possesses the qualities of someone in that category?

The first thing to do is to be open to facing who you really are and what you believe in. Then you have to ask yourself where your beliefs came from- were they inherited or based on experiences in your life?  Dictionary.com describes  a racist as a person who believes in racism, the doctrine that a certain human race is superior to any or all others. You might be thinking “I don’t believe my race is superior to others.” But is that really true?  Do you look down on other people instantly that you wouldn’t look down on if they were not of color? In a case of a theft in your office would you immediately suspect the minority cleaning staff assuming they must be hard up? Now that could be because of race or class but if you had to choose between the black cleaning lady and the white one, who would you trust more asily to clean your office if your wallet was on the desk? When you work at a mall do you instantly think non-whites hanging around window shopping need to be watched more closely? If you’re in a car pull up next to a vehicle of minority teens listening to music (at a reasonable volume) do you instantly catch an attitude or shake your head but know that you wouldn’t do the same if they were white teens? Would you assume the white teens were having fun but the minority teens must be up to something?

If any of those scenarios are you might be a victim of a race washed brain! The truth is we all walk around with various unconscious biases. Does this always make us a bad person? Of course not. Many people simply don’t even realize their thinking is not fair or equal. So you may be thinking…that’s crazy they should know! In all honesty if a person was raised in a town where everyone looked like them, talked like them and lived like them while the only images they saw of minorities were on the 6 o’clock news , what else would they think? There are some families who actively teach racist behaviors to their kids but in a lot of cases the teaching or racist behaviors is passive or in the subconscious. Everything from doll babies to images of Santa Clause and Jesus are traditionally white. Many minority parents have to go the extra mile to get dolls that look like their kids but we don’t see non-minority parents go the extra mile as often to buy minority dolls to give their kids a real sense of what the world looks like.

So here are some check yourself questions to think about. They don’t make you a bad person but instead a REAL person who is looking to make a change in the current landscape of racial inequality in today’s world. Look at yourself as someone who is willing to see who they are, challenge their own belief systems and learn to embrace people for who they are instead of what they look like on the surface.

1.)   What is your initial feeling when you see a group of minority teens hanging around? Ask the same if you were to see white teens.

2.)   What is your initial feeling if you are the only non-minority on a full elevator? Is it fear, disgust, anger, resentment or maybe nothing at all? Ask yourself the same question if it were a elevator full of non-minorities. Why do you feel how you do?

3.)   What is your initial thought behind the reasons why a black male would get shot if you hear it on the news? Would you think the same of a non-minority? What if you found out it was a kid walking down a quiet block but he was black? Would you think he must have done something wrong and THEN wait for the answer?

4.)   What would your initial reaction be if you saw a non-minority woman out with 5 or 6 small children? Would you have the same reaction if they were non-minority? Would you consider they could be watching their nieces or nephews or perhaps a daycare worker? Would you immediately think they were a single mom with a bunch of baby’s daddies? If you saw a white woman in the same shape, would you immediately think “she and her husband have been busy?”

The way we perceive others is always based on a belief system we either inherited or developed because of life’s experiences.  Our belief systems, however are not without fault. To make this world a better place for all of us we could each benefit from checking what we believe and why. A black doctor in scrubs is no different from that doctor wearing his street clothes except in some places he may not be respected because his position  does not outweigh his color.  If he were to be harassed or hurt and later found out he was a prestigious physician, the mindset would be “oh, I didn’t know that” as if somehow the position dominates the value of human life. Wake up America, we all have some work to do on ourselves.

Working with The Good Men Project by contributing articles over the last few months has really opened my eyes to a lot.  I often wonder if people could see what's really behind the eyes of a man if they could handle the pain, fear  and attitudes that so many misinterpret as anger and lack of emotion.  The Representation Project's video on the Mask You Live In says it all.......be careful how you raise your sons, for they will one day turn into men.

Copyright 2012    Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

It’s funny how as we age we begin to hear people say things like “I was born alone, I’ll die alone.” Each time I hear that statement, I can’t  help but wonder “what about thelivingin between birth and  death?”  So many people are afraid  to be alone they’ll do almost anything not to be. They’ll pick up random road  partners, roommates, party mates, bed mates and so on.  Where does that come from? Is it part of that old psychologist Abraham Maslow’s self-actualization  hierarchy of needs under the “belonging” heading? Or is it that we have become so used to congregating together in the civilized world we don’t know how to function independent of others? Maybe it goes back as far as biblical times  where it was written that God said “it is not good for man to be alone.”  Though this is believed to be true by many I venture to add “it is also not good for man to make a mess he doesn’t want to live with.”   Whatever the reason for it, loneliness exists. Now there  is a big difference in being alone and lonely as we all know. There aren’t too   many of us who haven’t known people who are married, have children or some  other significant other but still seek significance everywhere they go. These   people are surrounded by others but are very lonely on the inside. They have not found a connection within themselves that permits them to feel the companionship of others in their circle. In some cases the “others” they have   in their life serve as nothing more than white noise, just there for the ride   for no rhyme or reason. There is no positive purpose, they just exist. 

· How many do you know that have these white noise types of intimate relationships? Are you one?
· Have you ever questioned your motives or those of others who have someone in their life yet they have no 
  real desire to be with them?
· What is so lacking in a person that they would continue to tolerate this?
· How do we uncover or rebuild our value systems to avoid settling “just so that we have  someone? “
· Is it that people are worried others will see them as inadequate if they don’t have a  mate?

I’d like to think this loneliness avoidance strategy only pertains to those who have been in long term relationships and lost their desire to function alone, but that’s not true. From those green to the intimate   relationship world and those who are veterans, it happens every day. What can we do to deal with this and maintain our dignity at the same time?
 
· Remember, just  because you are by yourself does not mean anything is wrong with you. 
· Create your OWN  set of relationship standards with non-negotiables that you know you need to be happy  
  and connected to a partner.
· Develop your OWN hobbies, habits and interests to fulfill you before your try to fulfill someone else or vice
  versa. 
· Date yourself  for a while so YOU may like YOU all by yourself and increase the likelihood of  finding
  someone who likes you just as you  are.
 
It’s a sad reality, relationships just aren’t’ what they   used to be.  Many people lack  values and throw away hearts like tissues. This has created a culture full of  bitter people who stay alone and miserable or others so desperate for  companionship they will stay with anyone rather than being by themselves. 
 
Far be it from me to tell anyone to leave a relationship unless they were in physical danger. Yet, I will say you need to ask yourself if the position your mate is in can be filled with anyone similar to them. If   the answer is yes, they have become merely a placeholder in your life and  that’s not fair to them or you. If the answer is no, they are irreplaceable, then more than likely your relationship is pretty solid at least from your  perspective. Either way, loneliness is a state of mind that comes from within. It is best served with introspection and learning to be whole all by yourself. 
 

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Copyright 2013    Aleasa M. Word    All Rights Reserved

Each day I see countless reminders of the massacre that is happening to the black man in our world.   This massacre is not just from physical death but from emotional deaths as well.   Our black men are dying from the inside out and it grieves me to no end. I must first say that I love  black men. I was created by a black man, I raised one black man and am working on raising my second.  
 
Today I read yet another article on the statistics as they relate to the homicide rate of black males from the ages of 15-34 noting what many of us already know – homicide is the leading cause of death for these men.  It went on to quote yet another widely known statistic about the life expectancy being lower than other races.  Sadly, the fact is, in reading this article it didn’t give me any information I wasn’t already aware of. It didn’t have any NEW numbers, let alone NEW hope that would have surprised me.  These same statistics are regurgitated over and over again -  day after day, year after year with no significant changes to the positive.  
 
I’m sick and tired of crying over what is reported in the news. I’m sick and tired of breaking down every
time a young black man is incarcerated. I’m sick and damn tired of being afraid for my two sons every day and having to constantly reiterate the extra level of caution they must take everywhere they go and in everything they do. 
 
In the end if they aren’t killed first, the lifelong burden on the shoulders of our black men is  astronomical. Just making it  through school , battling bad neighborhoods, stereotypes from teachers and the public should be enough -  but it’s not. Because so many are looked at as a threat especially the darker their skin is, corporate America is still not as friendly to them as it is to others.  Women of other cultures still cross the street to avoid even the most innocent black man or clutch their purses tighter in an elevator in spite of a man being suited up. Stress levels in these men cause high rates of hypertension, drug addiction, unchecked depression, and even add to weight gain and cancer rates. 
 
It is still problematic that black men aren’t usually expected to be doctors, lawyers, scientists or
professors. Other cultures in contrast groom their young men (usually without choice) to walk the path of education towards those careers from grade school. Questions I’d like to pose in relation are:  

• Why does it seem that in America, the     black culture is its own worst enemy when it comes to these
  advanced  career paths in life?

• Why are our sons and daughters in a frame of mind that makes them think it is not only ok but
  normal to tease,  isolate and bully their OWN peers for being smart and wanting to follow in the footsteps of professional people?  

• Why aren’t we taking our  kids to museums and watching discovery channel with them? 
• Why is that boring to us when we say we want more for them? 
• Why aren’t we seeking opportunities outside of our neighborhoods? 
• Why aren’t we teaching our children to take pride in their appearance EVERY day instead of this
  everything goes (straight to a path of destruction that is) in every scenario?
• Why are we not teaching our children there is a difference in behaviors at home, school, the workplace
  and the community?

Is it because we don’t know any better, are lazy or so busy trying to get through the grunge of daily life
that we are tired, frustrated and overwhelmed EVERY SINGLE DAY? 
 
Whose responsibility is it to show our young men they not only should strive for more but CAN HAVE MORE AND  BE BETTER AT THE MORE? Whose responsibility is it to nurture them emotionally when they are so filled with fear all they can do is live offensively every day? It is all of ours. It is the responsibility of women who are bashing men and telling them they “ain’t sh*t” while their own sons hear it and believe this to
be true about themselves.  It is the responsibility of our current men who are mistreating women and making their daughters think the only way to get love is to be the next trick on the pole for attention.  It is also the
responsibility of the person who feels they have made it in life but does not want to look back because it’s too painful to face realities we are uncomfortable with.  And it is the responsibility of those who know right from wrong to NOT forget we must teach in order for people to learn. 
 
We are still failing as a people in so many ways!!! Our sons are dying!!! They are afraid inside, sick
inside and play hard on the outside until the inside eventually rots the outer flesh. I can’t take seeing OUR MEN this way, MY MEN this way.  In order for the black race or any race to survive we must create and
nurture strong men. Men are supposed to be the survivalists providing and protecting the families.  But who
protects and provides for them? Who allows them to not be judged when they are in their most vulnerable state?  Who tells them it is ok to ask for help, get it and then give back to the next man or woman?
 
I cannot nor will I even attempt to speak on behalf of other women. What I can say is I’m doing my best
as a woman to raise effective, valuable, giving, caring, responsible men and include positive male mentors along the way.  My past, like many other women may not have been rich with men who fit this description; however, that does not absolve me from the responsibility of  helping my own sons to be great men for
the betterment of the black race, the black family and mankind in general. 
 

Photo Terry Schweitzer/Flickr 
 
 

Photo by Nuno Alberto on UnsplashAleasa M. Word     Copyright 2013    All Rights Reserved

Too many children walk around in the US knowing or living with only one parent. Two parents homes just aren't the norm like they were back in the 50's, 60's or even 70's. Single parents work tirelessly to keep food on the table, clothes on their backs and a roof over their heads.  The emotional needs of the child often go unmet because one person simply can't do it all. For those who even attempt to do it all, they are too exhausted to even enjoy the time spent with their children.

What happened to the days where the male uncle or cousin stepped in to fill the gap for the absent father? What about the older brothers who had it rough but vowed to never let that happen to their little brother or sister? My have times changed! Is it because we live in such a transient society and families are all over the place? Could it be because we've become so lazy we've learned to relax the standards so much we are too tired to care? Or is it we are lost because work hours are long, commutes are long and productivity is expected beyond levels of normal human ability?

With all of these things going on how do we stop the cycle of abandonment our children continue to live through generation after generation? Those same uncles that used to pitch in have gotten older and the next generation hasn't picked up the torch. The big brothers who swore they'd never let their younger siblings feel the same pain they felt have forgotten what it feels like to be pushed to the side, forgotten about and treated as an afterthought - thus doing the same things themselves to their own siblings.

The cycle of abandonment is like a never ending curse in some families always producing the same negative results. Each generation naively says "it stops with me" yet we see it doesn't.  If you are ready to stop the cycle and truly do something about it, check out these tips on how to turn abandonment into banding together for families.

1. Save promises for things YOU are absolutely sure you can deliver on.  Stop disappointing children, wives, 
    husbands, etc. with empty promises that end up in a bunch of I'm sorrys over and over.

2. Schedule time with young people so they KNOW how important they are to you and make sure to
    eliminate distractions or interruptions.

3. When you apologize mean it and then DON'T DO IT AGAIN when you've messed up.

4. Be accessible.  Make sure to answer phone calls or text messages when young people contact you and
    teach them to do the same.

5. Practice AND Preach accountability.  Take responsibility for your actions and make the necessary
    changes.

6. Build Trust.  Young people who are often disappointed in adults learn to NOT trust them as a defense
    mechanism.  Keep your word, mean what you say and any time not spent should be made up for.

7. Take your time.  Time is your friend when it comes to building and maintaining relationships with young 
    people. Don't try to push them or assert your authority when you aren't sure what to do.  Relax and think
    through how you would feel if in their shoes.

Girls who feel abandoned seek out someone to fill that space often selecting the wrong mate. Boys who feel abandoned learn to NOT trust and end up with relationship issues due to their emotional unavailability.  Raising kids is not an easy task, nor is mentoring them.  One thing for sure is that consistency speaks volumes and this is the easiest way to break the abandonment cycle. Stay consistent even through challenging times and you will teach kids to NOT walk away from their problems or responsibilities.

Copyright 2013        Aleasa M. Word              All Rights Reserved

Sometimes people see you by yourself and assume you are either too miserable to be with someone or you are alone because you want to be. More times than not, neither are true. 

I've been divorced for 6 years.  The first year or two I decided I needed to find out what caused me to get in to toxic relationships over and over again so I stayed alone on purpose. After that I tried the dating scene only to find it had changed quite a bit since I'd dated many years before.  Frustrated at the games people still played at my age, I decided to focus on my career. I started a business and went back to school to finish a degree that should have been done many years ago. I thought all I needed was God, my kids, my dog and me.  Ok, so you guessed it.....that got old too.  Then I started dating again but just didn't feel like dealing with anyone else's emotions.  It's a funny thing about being by yourself for a while; you get used to doing things your way and don't feel like you want to change anymore.

As time went on I realized I didn't have to change from the new me I'd grown to like. Instead I needed to wait until someone was available to embrace me for exactly who I was.  And I too would have to embrace them as they were at that moment. We are taught sometimes that we shouldn't be too picky and people aren't perfect.  After much soul searching I realized I didn't need a perfect man but I wanted one who fit perfectly into my life and I his. I hurt when I hear women say things like men ain't shit or I don't need a man they're a waste of time.  Everyone could benefit from healthy companionship.  There are certain things in addition to sex that a woman just can't do for me. There are ways a man can make me feel that a bunch of female friends never could.  I embrace my womanhood and my desire to have a man by my side who compliments my life.  What I don't embrace is having to change or dummy down to be with someone just because I don't want to be alone.

Standing true to your values and desires can be very difficult in a world filled with incomplete people who don't know how to have relationships.  But if I settled for one of them, I'd only be setting myself back and making my life as bad as it was years ago when I was a broken woman.  I love the me I am today. The woman I am today is smart. Some say I've always been smart but I mean ME smart. I know who I am. I know whose I am. I know what I like, dislike, need and don't need. I know my limits and abilities to deal or not deal with certain things. I am simply comfortable in a skin that I've lived in my entire life and refuse to compromise it. I also refuse to try and settle down with someone I want to change. How fair would that be to them to not accept them for who they are.  I have no bitterness about my messy divorce or the one before that who decided one day to  beat me until both my eyes were black.  To all the women who stay and deal with that, you don't have to - I didn't.  These were broken people who too needed internal healing.  They deserve a second chance in life just not ever a second chance with me. 

We are all good in a relationship in our life if we find the right relationship for us.  Life and media that fuels it encourages us to live the dream or the fairytale.  Because we are conditioned to believe the fairytale is true we end up disappointed over and over again.  We continue to be alone even when we are in relationships with people who we are supposed to be in love with.

There is no loneliness in my life anymore whether or not I'm alone.  Dating is great these days but it's on my terms and on my time. Not everyone wants to be alone but more often than not it's the only way to find out who you really are and what you deserve.

Photo: Flickr

Copyright 2013        Aleasa M. Word        All Rights Reserved

For every 9 ½ times out of 10 I hear a story about a single mom it’s negative.  We are  called baby mama’s, drama queens, bitter, chicks with attitude and even blamed for every child who has gone wrong when they don’t have a father present.  Studies are done professionally and unprofessionally. Everybody is  
critic!  We are blamed for welfare  and food stamp burdens and often for ruining the lives of men who would have been fine had we not gotten pregnant. We are stupid for trying to help men we  love if they’re down on their luck and too independent when we set high standards because we want more for our children and ourselves. And in addition to all of that we are supposed to be psychics because EVERYONE knew the guy we had a kid by was no good but we should have seen that right?  People are taken advantage of by scams every single day but they're not blamed for not being smart enough in most cases yet single moms are! 
 
With all of that how on earth is a woman supposed to have even a shred of positive self esteem?  Additionally with all of these negative stereotypes has anyone bothered to think what impact all of that would have on our abilities to mother our children effectively.  Oh that’s right, because they’re in a one parent home they automatically qualify for the school of “guaranteed screwed up kid” right? 
 
Here are some facts the official and unofficial media does not present when discussing these horrible, useless single moms we are supposed to be:
 
· Many of us are DIVORCED due to marriages that ended when things just didn't go right 
· There are plenty of successful people who were products of a single parent home
· Not all kids who are in single parent homes are drug addicts and criminals
·Single moms have feelings and needs too (imagine that)
·Most single moms work, holding down where they live by themselves and many without any child support
  while BUYING homes
·Not all single moms bring a bunch of guys around their kids & to the contrary many of us refuse to for while
·And yes, it is possible for a man to pretend to be something he is not just like a woman can and when we  
  realize it, it’s too late (it’s called acting)
 
Raising kids is hard even if you have a two parent home; but, when you have a society so self-absorbed they refuse to take a collective  approach to accepting responsibility for failing all of our children someone
becomes the scapegoat. In America single moms get a horrible rap but here are is our reality:
 
·We work full time jobs, run companies, go to school and use both sick and vacation to take care of kids we  
  did not have by ourselves
· We must manage our budgets, childcare, health care and still show up to work without letting on that we
  are having  issues
· We are still expected to perform at the same level as our married counterparts even if we were up all night
  at the hospital by ourselves with a sick kid
· We DO care about our kids and work  hard to help them get a quality education
· We cannot complain about our jobs as mothers because most  don’t want to hear it and will throw in our
  faces we got our own selves in this predicament
· We hurt inside when we see other kids having benefits of  two parent families, additional income and a solid
  support system but we must  pretend we are fine
· We are chronically tired and would love to date but finding time to investigate the new guy before bringing 
  him around our kids is sometimes too hard
· Many of us hate having to carry the entire load and the  fact that we do is looked at as if we don’t need
  anyone when in fact we haven’t  found anyone who doesn’t NEED us to do it  all
 
Single mothers are the strongest people in the world if  you ask me.  We are also  undervalued, misunderstood and damn tired! Even those of us who are at home don’t just sit there. Gone are the days of welfare recipients just sitting around doing nothing. The US has made sure these young ladies either go to
school or work. If they don’t, there are no  benefits but we still get blamed for collecting more welfare than anyone else and not deserving it while the facts often prove that wrong.  I’ve been fortunate to never have been on public assistance but know many who have and they don’t love it!!! They hate it and wish they could do better but every time they try there’s a sick kid or worse their own sickness from stress that gets in
the way.
 
Please stop giving single mothers a bad name. We are stressed women who are over worked, underpaid and our homes are understaffed! We rob Peter to pay Paul, wait for child support checks to come that often don’t or  aren’t enough and find ways to feed kids who can’t wait until next payday to eat. And yes many are angry but if you had to do all of this and were blamed  for the downfall of the entire country because of your supposedly unruly, unfortunate children you would be too!  But who gives a damn about single  mothers anyway right? 

Copyright  2013  Aleasa M. Word    All Rights Reserved
 
A young lady recently reached out to me for help. She was in her early twenties and was a single mother. She had a tough life growing up.  Born to a crack addicted mother and partially raised by a crack addicted father, it was almost as if she had no chance of survival.  Fortunately another family member stepped in to help raise her. They did the best they could but over the years, her pre-disposition to drug abuse finally dug in its ugly heals. 
 
This young woman reached her early twenties and faced odds most of us can only read about just to finally succumb to the environment in which she was born.  After realizing she did something awful that could ultimately affect her two year old  son she needed to find a way out. She wanted to find a way to get out of the cycle of drug addiction, poverty, single parenthood and violence she’d become so accustomed to. But how could she do it, now facing a criminal record? What is a person supposed to do when they mess up so badly one time and they can’t see their way out? What can a person do whose support system is in place but the only thing it’s supporting is a rash of negative words and condescending comments aimed at an already beaten person? 
 
After speaking with this young lady all I could do was cry on the way home and thank God for the opportunities I’ve had and choices I’ve made.  The pain in her eyes cried out to me begging for help as she sat in a state of despair trying her best to hold on to what dignity she had left.  During this moment of revelation I also began to ask myself whether or not I was even equipped to help her. I’ve never been arrested in my life though I’ve worked to help many who have. I wasn’t born to drug addicted parents nor raised by a family member other than my own parents and again I know many who were. Even with that she thanked me over and over for simply listening. She thanked me for caring enough to spend time with her and
for even trying to help her get on track and find a job. 
 
So many of us have no idea the insurmountable odds other face. We try and try to be helpful but end up judging people in the end. We ask questions like “why did they even try drugs if they knew they were susceptible to addiction?” Or other things like “with all of the programs out there to help people now days why would anyone go that way?” Hearing questions like that used to piss me off but now I take a deep breath as I try to digest the ignorance of people who haven’t been there.  In trying to fix our welfare system which was giving a free pass to so many who took advantage, those still in real need of assistance are now suffering because of all of the cuts. Many addiction programs have certain stipulations like: you must have been convicted of a crime, you must be addicted to certain types of drugs or  you must be on public assistance.  We don’t have enough resources and people get desperate. Desperation turns to uncivilized behaviors
that the masses often don’t understand. 
 
I don’t really know what the answer is for this young lady but I do know I’m going to do what I can to help her. She enrolled herself in a drug addiction program after she finally had her one brush with the law. She is now living with these same family members that beat her down every day as the drugs call her name trying to convince her to let them ease the pain as she looks in her baby’s eyes trying with everything she has to beat it.  My hope is that she can get the charge dropped to something lower and get  her life back on track. But if she can’t the cycle of addiction and poverty will continue and her child will be the next one in a line of statistics that need to change.

Copyright 2013           Aleasa M. Word         All Rights Reserved

Note:  Mz. Word offers an exclusive men's program at www.chapteriiformen.com


About a year ago I chatted with a man via social media who was on the verge of a divorce and said he was afraid he was going to have a nervous breakdown.  He was devastated because he simply wanted out. His significant other wanted to stay in their situation even though she was miserable too.  They’d been to counseling 4 times and separated twice.  He was stuck and just didn’t know what to do anymore. He admitted he loved her deeply but was not IN LOVE with this woman and felt like an awful man for wanting a divorce because he didn’t want to hurt her.

I find it funny that we continue to believe that women who are usually thought of as emotional creatures somehow get exclusivity to that title when men are automatically deemed the polar opposite.  We are finding more people know that but fewer people acknowledge it.  Many of us ladies complain that we want men to show more emotion yet if they do we sometimes lose respect.  Men, to put it bluntly, are just as emotional if not more so in some cases; but, the way in which they exhibit their emotion is not the same as it is for the majority of women.  Mostly in part because it is not acceptable from a societal standard for men to be openly emotional, they tend to suppress their feelings.  Through a trained eye and ear, however, a person can tell when a man is in emotional turmoil.

I challenge women to make a decision when it comes to men.  Just like we can’t be all things they want, they aren’t going to be all things we want either.  We need to decide which of those things we can and cannot live with.  In making that decision I will caution as to the rule that should go along with it.  If we choose to live with certain things as it pertains to others it means we have let go of our emotional feelings of resentment and dislike over those tendencies or behaviors.  It means we have fully accepted this is a part of that person that simply just “IS” and more than likely will never change no matter how much we really want it to.  If you cannot get to THAT place, then you have not accepted the issue that is bothering you and it brings you to a place where you will either have to look at your own value systems or move on. 

Because men tend to compartmentalize things, it makes us feel sometimes as if they don’t care.  Everything has its place and so they can continue to function with work and whatever else is on their plate they have to do what they have to do!  As in the case of moving on, once they make a decision to do so there is often no going back.  This does not indicate they don’t care but things often happen in a sequential manner and this is the sequence in which they see things going at that time.  Sometimes that decision is wrong and other times it is right; but, regardless it is a decision they choose to own.  Inside they have usually anguished with the decision for quite some time if they genuinely cared for the other person long before it was apparent. 

I recently read a post on Facebook where someone said “if women can fake orgasms, why can’t men fake relationships?”  The truth is we all have had times when we faked the reality of our relationships.  Women may ask if he’s trying to figure out whether or not he should stay shouldn’t he discuss this with us as soon as he feels this way? Ladies – HELL NO!!! They know how we are and that can open up a can of worms they may not be willing to deal with at that time.  The truth is, it could just be a lull.  They could just be bored or they need to weigh all things out just like we do when we commiserate with other women about what’s going on in our own lives (bad move to discuss all or your relationship details with another female though).  

Just as our little boys that we raise have feelings where they outwardly cry, men still cry but most are just not as obvious.  If your relationship ended or is in the phase of ending and you know for a fact that you two were at some point in love, know also that this is not easy on him.  Unfortunately, someone had to make a choice for you both to find happiness again and perhaps it was him.

Breakups are no easy but the times we spend together should be cherished because nothing in this life is guaranteed.

Copyright 2013  Aleasa M. Word   All Rights Reserved
 
Recently I noticed in a email newsletter I receive there was a quote from Dr. Boyce Watkins that said “I’ll be damned if I am going to sit and watch our kids continue to grow up believing that it’s cool to be ignorant, violent, high, drunk, broke, uneducated and lazy.”  I must have stared at that simply stated quote featuring a photo of Dr. Watkins for at least 5 minutes as I pondered the state of American children including my own. 

In a country that is supposed to be rich and full of freedom, our children are broken and locked in prison every day. 

     * They are stuck in a prison that is the state of mind of those who tell them to shut up and not speak,     
        sit down and keep still or ignored and left to fend for themselves as we assume “they should know 
        better than….” whatever they are doing that we don’t approve of or they get caught doing. 

     * They are stuck in the confines of institutions we call schools that are built to educate great leaders of
        the future; yet, instead are made to feel like they are losers because they can’t get what is expected on
        a state test. These same tests perpetuate fear in great teachers of losing everything they have
        because they can be penalized through job termination for not “making the grade”.

     * Our children are constrained by curriculums that stifle the identical creativity that built our country to be
       what it is today as art and music programs are phasing out, limited to next to nothing or have been
       completely eliminated from many budgets. 

     * These same children are closed in with stressed teachers, over worked administrators, lack of 
        registered nurses in many schools for real ailments like anaphylaxis, diabetes, asthma etc. as our 
        country aims to live up to the “no child left behind motto.”  And instead, as we compete to be the best
        in the world, we are still BEHIND and leaving casualties through our kids along the way.

     * They are boxed in and their natural childhood nature ignored when we limit or eliminate physical 
        education programs.  What sense does it make for kids to take gym for one marking period as if they
        only have energy a few months out of the year? This continues in spite of First Lady Michelle Obama’s
        Let’s Move initiative. 

When these same children act out because they have no outlet they are suddenly someone’s problem! For those who really do have ADD or ADHD, ODD and other behavioral health concerns, I advocate for getting them the help they need.  HOWEVER:

     * For the significant numbers of others who are medicated because we are over diagnosing pent up
       energy those children have naturally - I GRIEVE!

     * When we have children ignored by affluent parents who would rather buy them everything material
       and deprive them of nothing except the one thing they really need QUALITY TIME WITH THEIR 
       PARENTS – I GRIEVE! 

     * When those same children go out and sleep with everyone in the world looking for love and end up with
       HIV/Aids, a baby or end up raped by a friend – I GRIEVE! 

Many parents would have a valid counter argument that in order to keep bills paid and roof over their heads they too are forced to keep up their competitive edge.

1.       They must perform better than others, produce more, stay up to date with technology and be stellar
          parents all while spending their hard earned pay checks on bills that continue to rise astronomically!

2.       As they do what they believe is the best at the moment for their own children or at least the best they
          can muster up, the last thing they feel they have time to think about is someone else’s child! 

So with that as counter, other people’s children can’t be our problem right?  WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! The child that introduces another child to drugs is YOUR CHILD! The child that runs with a gang because they feel disconnected and unloved is YOUR CHILD! The child that runs up thousands or millions of dollars in unpaid medical bills due to lack of, inferior or limited insurance is YOUR CHILD! That child who grows up getting molested along the way and begins to rape or commit crimes is YOUR CHILD!  The child who is ignored, learns nothing about discipline and becomes a kleptomaniac is YOUR CHILD! You pay the prison cost! You pay the additional police officers! You pay the higher medical premiums and co-pays! You pay the price by your own children being affected! You pay for the drug treatment centers! You may be their next victim! And you will surely pay the price when you are in a nursing home and there is no money to adequately care for you in our burdened economic system.

The desensitization of society to basic moral values has precipitated an overwhelming acceptance of “it’s not my problem.” For anyone who feels like the neighbor’s child, the kid on the bus, the kid with the screaming mother or absent father, the kid with the parents who leave them alone in with the fancy car or big house is not their responsibility here’s a news flash! YES THE HELL THEIR CHILDREN ARE YOUR PROBLEM!

Copyright  2013  Aleasa M. Word    All Rights Reserved

Life is not fair! How many times have I heard that? I’ve said it, heard it from co-workers and even from children.  What or who determines fair? Is it our pre-conceived notions based on our personal belief systems? Obviously so, because I’ve never seen a “BOOK OF FAIR” published and revised at the birth of every human being right. Fairness itself is always different for every person. Life IS simply what it IS until it changes.

Now with fairness out of the picture, what do we do about our life in general? Many have divorces, parenting issues, job crisis, financial crisis, health crisis and the list goes on. One client said “well I didn’t choose this, life chose it for me.”  I had to think about that for a while and really re-evaluate that statement.  It appeared that the issue at hand was one that randomly dropped in her lap and it did not seem FAIR for all intensive purposes. At the end of the day, self-chosen, fair or not – she had something to deal with.

So wasn’t that was the answer all along, “she had something to deal with?”’  As a coach, people frequent individuals in my field looking for answers. They want solutions to the problems and un-stickers for the stuck places in life. More than likely, the answers have always been there; but, we get bogged down by self-confidence issues that lead to fear and we forget to look for these answers. We have a choice in every situation yet often, we sit complacent waiting for the choice to jump out and grab us.  I like to compare this to building a house.  All of the materials have been ordered and even the right workers are in place but the house is not built. You must CHOOSE to pick up the tools and get to the task of building the house. If you don’t, all you have are workers, tools and bricks. 

With that said, I must ask, what is YOUR threshold for change? When do you decide YOU no longer want to be a project manager, managing the project of life that you were tasked to and decide to pick up the bricks, use the tools and direct the workers? Whether it is a divorce, unemployment or even financial concerns stop choosing the mess and the stress.  Instead, un-choose those and pick the solution for $2000 please! Living in denial or fear sends us into a whirlwind of self-induced paralysis that leads us to the city of “nothingness.”

Attitude, affects our motivation or lack thereof!  Yes it’s possible you’ve had a hard time. It seems as if things that are not I your control have found their way to your doorstep. True, true, true! But does it have to stay that way? Heck NO!!!! On this day stop choosing to live in the squalor of filth and chaos (lies, guilt, jealousy, fear, disorganization, procrastination) and build the damn house! This is your life and you have every right to be happy even if you used to be one of the meanest, cold-hearted people in the world. Yesterday is in your past unless you continue to drag it into your future like a bag of dirty socks adding no value with a stash of hidden motives on the side.

Take this moment to reflect on what you have been choosing or in the coaching world known as tolerating and UN-CHOOSE the mess, lose the stress, and become the best you can be!

Be blessed!

Copyright 2013      Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved
Every week I see people putting their comments on Facebook, Twitter and everywhere else about what’s happening on the latest reality show.  I must admit it has gotten to the point it seriously works my last nerve.  The reason……it’s not really the reality these people live of camera most of the time.   So many parts of these shows are scripted but we continue to swallow whatever mess they put on tv for us to see. 

Now keep in mind a lot of them start out with the intention of being “real” and use the real lives of the people they cast but they quickly evolve into something else.  The something else is a “ratings grabber.” Some of today’s parents have become so addicted to the shows they act like they know these people personally and get upset if you talk about them. They try to justify the actions no matter how outlandish they may be of the people on the shows.   And….so what if someone throws a drink in another person’s face – they deserved it right?  And who cares if women get into brawls pulling hair and clawing each other – that’s the way we live in the real world right? Yet we then tell our children, co-workers, employees and others this behavior is unacceptable. Many of these young people have grown up in a world that this IS ALL THEY SEE and what they know to be REAL!  They’ve not had the benefit of seeing anything else.

Subsequently we then wonder why our children are so violent today. We have become a nation who feeds our families crap for dinner by way of the garbage we accept as entertainment on television, radio and all over.  The excuse "it's just good fun" is only that - an excuse!  It's not your escape from reality when you believe it is someone else's reality.  I ask you the following:  

• Why is it ok to be entertained by violence or ignorance in a so called “reality show?”
  
  
• Why is fighting other people deemed acceptable entertainment, yet you then say it is reality?  So is everyone’s reality this violent, ignorant, racist, belittling  and why are we ok with it?
  
  
• In a society of racism, sexism, ageism aren’t we just supporting the behaviors  stereotypes by supporting these shows?
  
  
• Who are we to talk negatively about the characters on these shows that are simply doing what they need to do to get paid? Aren’t we just as bad for feeding into it?
  
  
• What does it say about our own behaviors when we think this doesn’t affect us but in fact it does because we are accepting dysfunction as normal?
  
  
• How does this affect us as parents who slowly accept violent behaviors, violent language, disrespect and ignorance?
  
  

We have a responsibility to ourselves and our families.  People say they aren’t influenced by the shows but are entertained. They say they know it’s not real but act like these people are their personal friends.  They have conversations about them as if they can call the on the phone and even blog to gossip about them as if they are people next door.
 
At what point do we stop feeding ourselves dysfunction for dinner? What goes in eventually goes out.  Valuing these shows increases ratings and makes the folks making money off of this think we want and need more.  Ask yourself this, is all of my intellect only worthy of the dysfunction of reality tv? If not, why do you continue to entertain it?

Copyright 2013  Aleasa M. Word   All Rights Reserved
*Photo's are found publicly on the WWW, we do not claim ownership of photography and will gladly remove if necessary

About a year ago I had the opportunity to listen to a sermon wherein the pastor made in   inference to multiple independent discovery. This is a hypothesis that describes instances of similar and or same discoveries made by scientists working independent of one another within a relatively short time period.  This phenomenon is recognized by historians and sociologists in addition to many in the scientific community. 

The incidence of multiple independent discovery is so repetitive that the scientific community keeps ongoing records of them.  Familiar discoveries of things such as the jet engine, polio vaccine, theory of evolution and even calculus are described as being discovered by more than one person.  The list of recorded discoveries dates as far back as s pre-13th century and is filled with interesting facts. 
 
It appears under the right conditions at the right time it is possible that brilliant minds truly do think alike. But what are those conditions and what makes that timing right? What makes those people continue to plug away at the possibility of their discovery when many of the rest of us continue to procrastinate? How do we go from being a thinker to a person who acts on a hunch or idea and bring it to fruition? 

As a former chronic procrastinator myself, the idea of multiple independent discovery certainly helps me to understand a great deal about my own life. I can now see why my not being the early bird has stopped me from obtaining the worm several times!  Fortunately, having knowledge of such a phenomenon also helps me to forge ahead with a different mindset and educate fellow procrastinators.  
 
So the question now before you is what have you thought of or planned to do and not made any strides toward? Is it a career change you are thinking about? Or have you thought of a brilliant invention that no one has ever put out on the free marketplace? Is it the type of invention that you feel will revolutionize the way we do things, how we make money or help others? In light of the fact  that we have over 6 billion people on earth, it is inevitable that someone else  has either thought of or will think of your idea in the near future. Will you  allow them to take the ball and run with it or will you make a move today? Will  you step out on faith knowing that without action you may possibly lose the best idea you’ve ever had to someone else? 
 
Take time and realize the potential you have for greatness RIGHT NOW! Stop making excuses for why you can’t or won’t do that thing you think is so great. Find out what obstacles are in your way to make it happen before someone else does. Unless it is something you’ve already gotten a patent on, you may be sitting   around next week with the would of, should of, could of thoughts going through your head. It is only a matter of time before the planets, brain cells, or whatever else it takes align properly and another mind just as brilliant as yours may grab that thunder you believe belongs to you!

Copyright 2014  Aleasa M. Word  All Rights Reserved 

It seems like every day we see another family on the news who left a child or children in a hot car.  Unfortunately, some of the children aren’t found in time and we end up with yet another American tragedy. In some rare cases, it is found to be intentional,  but in others it’s been simply an accident of epic proportion.

I pose the question…what the heck is happening in our country? How is it that we are forgetting kids in cars? Is this a new phenomenon or is it just that the media has found a new spin and is creating a trend that isn’t really a trend at all, but just terrible mishaps?

I’m not the expert in this field,  but I will say busy parents can see how it could happen. All of this news makes me think back to when my own children were smaller, that could have been me! Certainly I’m not speaking about the cases when things are done intentionally, but the accidental issues could happen to any of us. In fact I remember changing childcare centers for my own child at one point and driving to the one we previously used only to remember when I pulled up that I was at the wrong place.  I felt horrible. How could I forget where my own child was?

We are simply on overload and instead of making people out to be bad parents, we should be looking at ways to help people. Jobs are harder to find in many areas of the country than in the past and we are working longer hours. Many of us are commuting two hours or more a day to get to and from a job just to spend a large percentage of our paychecks on commuter expenses and childcare. Are we really living or simply surviving? Does the end justify the means? Has inflation and the need to keep up with current trends turned us into faulty machines stuck on autopilot?

I recently read the Out of Reach Study from the National Low Income Housing Coalition. It noted in 48 US states a worker making minimum wage cannot afford a 2 bedroom apartment. Now that’s stressful! Imagine being that worker who has a child or two and you can’t get childcare nor can you can afford a decent place to live. Where do you work? How do you go back to school? What is you just aren’t college material or can’t get into a trade school because you still need a paycheck and can’t afford to go to school full time? What do you do? Many work two or more jobs functioning off of exhaustion every day. In light of all the stress related to this lifestyle, it’s no wonder some people are at wits end.

It is not acceptable to leave a young child in a car in the heat or cold. These are some of the statements I’ve heard in news reports when it happens:  

•  My kid was up all night and finally went to sleep in the car. I just need to grab a carton of milk in the store.
  

• My parents/friend/mate doesn’t usually take or drop off my kids and they forgot because the child went to sleep in the back
  

• I needed to find a job because I’m about to be (or am) homeless and had no one to watch the kids
  

How sad is it that these are real statements? How sad is it that these people’s minds are so preoccupied by traffic, fear of homelessness, exhaustion and more that we simply can’t remember our kids?

Instead of judging anyone, I challenge everyone who knows someone with kids to shut up, step up and open up their hearts to help. We have lost the help my neighbor way in today’s world. Much is because it seems we can’t trust people with our kids but it certainly can’t hurt when your neighbor knows who you are to offer to pick up some groceries for them. How about offering to walk their dog? For people who are capable of doing so and going in the same direction,  carpooling can even be an option. And for parents, please do all you can to make reminders for yourselves.  Create an alarm, wear a special bracelet, put a stuffed toy on the passenger seat…anything! 

Children being injured or dying can happen accidentally. However, if we can do anything at all to help each other…let’s put our energy where our mouths and judgments are and step up! 

Photo: Ben Francis/Flickr

By Aleasa M. Word
All Rights Reserved

How many times have you heard people gossiping about other people as if they were better than them? You know the type - those holier than thou folks that we all claim to not like. What about when we become that snooty, I’m better than you person? How can we not recognize this despised trait within our own selves yet continuously see it in others?

As time goes on, memories of things we’ve done in our past sometimes conveniently slip away. Even if we remember, we somehow manage to justify why behaviors were acceptable when we engaged in them.  We become quite the expert in giving a run down on the extenuating circumstances or even minimize the deviance of our behaviors. We then go on to shift the focus from ourselves to the person we are bashing or looking down our noses at.

The reality is we all came from somewhere to get to where we are today. There are many parents, aunts, uncles and other relatives who have loads of old skeletons in their closets trying to spill their way back out into view of others. Those people are usually ashamed of their wayward years as young adults and do their best to keep these things hidden.  Does it really help anyone when we decide to hide those past behaviors? People often look over their shoulder, telling lies to cover up lies to appear perfect on the surface.

Too many times in life, we hear references to breaking the cycle. How do we break those cycles of generations full of bad or not so good behaviors? Certainly forgetting where we came from and looking down on others doesn’t appear to be the right way. But what is the answer? How do we allow the secrets to come out and avoid humiliation or our children thinking what’s good for the goose is good for the gander? What impact do we have on others who we don’t even know when we act like we’ve always been upstanding?

A great deal of people are turned off from some very nice religious choices for these very reasons. Some people shake, rattle and roll on Sundays forgetting all about their past indiscretions. Some of those indiscretions were even from the night before. Now don’t get me wrong, everyone has a right to change and hopefully for the better. But does that entitle them to feel as though they are now superior to others who are currently where they used to be? Or does it really mean because they were there they should be more helpful and understanding of others in that position?

Isn’t it the role of people to help other people? With that thought, couldn’t the mere fact that you’ve made some mistakes be the help some people need? Even theologians know Jesus surrounded himself with the less than desirables in an effort to pull them away from what they were doing wrong. He never looked down on them or proclaimed he was better. He most definitely didn’t do as many people today do by misusing the scriptures when the word refers to a passage that says “come out from amongst them” just to have an excuse to look down on them.

We all have had things we aren’t proud of that are part of the who we are now. It is those things that should keep us humble and allow us compassion towards our fellow man or woman when they slip. If we could only embrace people by remembering back to how we thought or felt during our less than virtuous times, perhaps we could be of better service to others.  It is no secret that our minds don’t even think the same way at 22 as they would at 42. Knowing that surely speaks to the fact that young people need guidance. Who better to guide them then someone who has been there? The guidance, however should come without judging but with love and compassion.

For all of the parents looking appallingly at their children, don’t forget those late nights filled with underage drinking and dangerous liaisons that perhaps you or some of your friends may have engaged in. No one is condoning or encouraging such behavior, but having some understanding may be the difference between connecting which can draw someone out of that life or disconnecting and pushing them further into it.

Copyright 2014        Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved

As humans we are designed to desire companionship.  It’s as natural as our need to eat and breathe.  Sadly, many of us end up emotionally compromised as we age for a number of reasons. Some of us are mistreated as children. Others end up in toxic relationships. And some of us end up with behavioral health conditions that can sometimes be compounded or even caused by the types of relationships that surround us.  None of these situations however, stop us from desiring to have a companion of our own. Humans want love!

When we end up damaged from what usually is a close relationship that hurt us so deeply, we don’t always know how to fully recover.  We walk around with that baggage. That same baggage ends up creating the conundrum that becomes our relationship life cycle.  We maneuver to and fro trying to find a partner that suits our needs.  The majority will never suit us because we still carry the fears from the relationships that damaged us deeply and new partners don’t have the antidote for our pain.  It’s been said by many that a patient, loving person is the healing balm for those who have been hurt. In these cases, it has been my experience that this only works when the person who is hurt realizes it is THEIR pain, and THEIR fears that are causing them additional hurt and they are committed to trusting the new person’s love is genuine.

No matter how hard you try, you can never change a person by yourself. A person must realize there is a need for change and be willing to do the work to make the change. All the patience in the world from a person who cares about them will do no good if they themselves don’t do the work. With this said, as we long for companionship we must also learn to long for self-love, fair treatment and commitment to our own emotional well- being.  There is no good that will ever come out of continuously compromising your self-worth for a person who is not ready to value what you have to offer them.  We also should be cautioned to not allow ourselves to become damaged by the effects of trying to love the hurt out of someone who is addicted to pain.

Many people who live with this addiction to pain are those who simply don’t know the joy of living without it. Either they’ve had some sort of emotional hurt their entire lives or the pain they endured from certain situations was so great they literally forgot what life was like before then.  I’d never claim to be an additions specialist or counselor of sorts but what I do know from personal experience is that we are creatures of habit. In this habitual behavior we have things we hold on to that become our normal and subsequently our crutch for not dealing with our personal dysfunction. I have always been a person who does volunteer work and wants to help others, sometimes at the cost of my own self. In my history of relationships this has spilled over and I was worse for the wear because of it. It has become a battle for me that I have often had to fight between trying to be patient in a world where trust is at an all-time low , to waiting so long that I end up being hurt because the person I was trying to convince to trust me was in fact untrustworthy themselves. This predicament is the one many of us find ourselves often.

So how do we deal with this balancing act of still giving self but not to the point of destruction? 

·       Figure out what you need from a partner in a relationship

·       Figure out what you can offer to a partner in a relationship

·       Decide what your negotiables and non-negotiables are that you can stick to

·       Learn the triggers that make you think back to the person who hurt you and ask yourself why you feel           this current person IS NOT the same as the last

·       Realize that you will never have the love you desire until you let go to the pain that hurts you

·       Continue to celebrate you, have you time and understand your needs

·       Put limits on how far you will go to show a person you are genuine and be honest with them about it

Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard to be in that you end up miserable or at odds with one another more than you are happy with each other. They should not complete you, as you need to come into them as a whole person. Instead they should complement you and add value to your life and the life of your mate.

 

Copyright 2013       Aleasa M. Word       All Rights Reserved
I was fortunate to speak with a woman who had been incarcerated,
sexually abused and pushed into a life that was less than what she was brought up to engage in.  You may ask why I say fortunate.  This woman had been through so much yet stood triumphant and had dedicated her efforts to helping people take their lives back. Her strength of character far surpassed that of any one I spoken with in the past year. 

Many people in the US and Canada are incarcerated every day. We often judge and say it is through their own misdoings that they ended up on the wrong side of the law. But is it really their own misdoings, or instead a society set up to allow for a percentage of manufactured losers? Have we become so money hungry that we make it a point to create almost impossible odds that force the weaker minded, lonely, attention seeking, confused, mentally challenged or poverty stricken individuals to break laws and subsequently profit from governments or private agencies that serve the incarcerated? 
  
It’s no secret that we are allowing privatized prisons in the US. There are also companies that specialize in items for commissary for prisoners. There are even telephone services that are set up to provide collect   calls to family members at higher rates than traditional phone companies? Or how about the free to cheap labor we get from inmates by forcing them to work behind bars making things sold for 100 times the cost of their pay? These same inmates can be penalized if they don’t work for this wage that is often less than a dollar per hour without any of money going towards paying off their own debt to society. 
 
Isn’t it strange that with a country that makes up approximately 5% of the world population that we account for 25% of the incarceration rate worldwide?  Once again, we then judge these people who are incarcerated and write them off as degenerates without even knowing their story. In speaking with this woman, we discussed the parents in some states who are put in jail because they can’t afford to pay truancy fines assessed  because of teenage children who cut school.  Why is this acceptable? And, how about the mother who will be brought up on neglect charges if she doesn’t feed her child, doesn’t make enough to pay rent and buy food, can’t qualify for public assistance and makes the poor choice ONE time to skip out on a meal at a restaurant landing her in jail? 
  
I would never indicate that committing crimes are the right thing to do but sadly for some it ends up being the only thing they feel they can do at the time to survive.  Putting aside crimes of violence against others there are certainly many cases where desperation and basic need of survival was the catalyst for committing a crime.  So I ask: 
      
* Why aren’t there enough programs to feed the hungry? 
* Why aren’t there enough programs to help parents with co-pays when they do have insurance?
* Why aren’t there enough jobs available to work from or close to home thus cutting commute time allowing
   parents to spend necessary time with kids who could get into mischief? 
 
As intelligent as our leaders say they are how it is people who aren’t running the funding for programs are the only ones who know what is really needed? Don't get me wrong, loving the country we live in is one thing but disagreeing with some of our processes is completely different!  This does however lead me to ask the question -  do we care about reducing our crime rate and rehabilitating people or are we simply manufacturing a society of criminals for profit?

Copyright 2014       Aleasa M. Word      All Rights Reserved

Not a day goes by that I don't think about ways to try and help those who are hurting inside.  Last night I facilitated a successful session on facing your demons, living your truths and dropping the bullsh*t in life on the 40 Pound challenge.  It made me start to wonder how many of my readers continue to hold on to garbage that's not theirs. How many people you who look forward to my constant questioning about life truly question the stuff they believe they own?

One thing about baggage is we don't like to have it. So the old saying misery loves company is very true.  When our misery is fueled by the baggage we have, if not careful we give that garbage to others.  One thing about garbage is that we are used to the way ours smells. The scent doesn't even appear to be an issue as we get used to the dysfunction of it all.  It is however another story when we take on the trash of others.  It begins to have a stench that we can't stand but often don't know what to do with.  But why do we do it? Are we trying to be accommodating so we don't look like we are a team player? Are we worried about being labeled a b*tch or a as*hole? Does it eat at the core of our need to feel like we belong?

Why do we risk our own ability to live happily and comfortable so that others can while we suffer in silence.  What I don't believe is that we have the right to be hurtful to others; however, we shouldn't  give ourselves or others the right to be hurtful to us! At what point do we learn to simply not own trash that belongs to other people? Those who say you'll never amount to anything, you're a failure, you always make bad decisions and so on.....that's their opinion.  Sometimes there is a truth to it because quite honestly if that is really the case WE ALREADY KNOW IT and don't need anyone else to tell us.  By telling us it is sometimes us allowing others to unload their feelings of inadequacy on us.

Today I challenge you to give it back or not accept it at all. When someone tries to give you their garbage you must learn to refuse to take it.  It could be something as simple as saying "I'm sorry YOU feel that way, and I hope YOU have a nice day." Man, that statement always confuses naysayers when I say it. They have no idea how to even feel about that statement but I do! It makes me feel empowered by the mere fact that I refused to let their words make me feel dis-empowered.  Garbage is simply garbage no matter where it comes from.  But I refuse to allow my life to be the landfill for waste that I didn't create and I challenge you to do the same.

Photo: Flickr

Copyright 2014    Aleasa M. Word     All Rights Reserved


LOL, SMH, ROTFLMAO, OOMF, SMH, BTW, IJS….. What does it all mean? Ask anyone from tweens to those in their thirties and most likely they’ll be able to spout off those and a whole lot more. At first look, being able to shoot someone a quick text message seemed stupid to those in the 40 something age group. I mean why not call people to tell them what you want to say right? Eventually our busy lives took over and so did texting. Then the 50 and even  60 something crowd got in on it. They’ve even managed to make up their own text language with LOL meaning lots of love instead of laughing out loud. I couldn’t figure out for the longest why my step mother kept laughing out loud at things that were serious like one of my children being sick or funerals at the church we attend. After a while I caught on and had to make sure she was up to speed too before she insulted someone by mistake.

As innocuous as it seems,  texting, instant messaging, email,  updating statuses and the like can cause great issue when misinterpreted or used maliciously.  First question, does anyone talk anymore? Kids get bullied through cyber bullying. People make death threats through social media. People co-parent through their iphones.  Seriously, can this get any more ridiculous? And then people send things that are mean only to delete them because they think that removes the record of it.  No matter how much we think we can erase these things they still leave a marker that can be found by authorities if a crime takes place. Even sexting (texting about sexually explicit things or sending naked/sexual pictures) is landing people in jail and getting people placed on sex offender lists everywhere. Ummmm…..be careful what you forward folks because it might cause you to get a knock on your door from the police.

People used to know how to disagree or even argue and get to the root of their problem .  Now, they just go and blast you on the hottest social site of the day. All of your personal business is out there and the others hiding behind their screens are like the instigators of olden days egging on the fight. For many of us “old  heads” as they call us we know how to resolve a conflict (or I hope you do) but we’re not teaching our younger generations to do the same. These people can’t handle it and even end up killing themselves or people who were once their friends.

I used to think being mean was something we taught people. Racism is taught, but it appears that being mean is almost natural and goes all the way back to our pre-school years. As a toddler,  if you want a toy, you snatch it from another kid (so what if you push them backwards to get it). If that doesn’t, work you bite them until they release it. We teach children this is wrong and they must learn to be nice. We teach them to have manners and that being rude is definitely wrong. But what happens when the parents themselves are victims of this untaught generation who now has no real social skills because to have a conversation they literally text in the same room? What happens when these people have children and their children end up with the children of those who know you must TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO BE NICE? Am I talking about all of them – no! But you know the deal, one bad apple spoils the whole bunch and I’m seeing more and more bad apples popping up daily!

Are people too sure of themselves when it comes to their own children or other relatives? Honestly, away from our site children and adults alike can turn into people we don’t even know. We like to think that we know how far our relatives will go when it comes to acting out – don’t we know their limits?  What a misconception that is for all of us! When these people we put so much hope into really begin to come into their own, the personalities they display in front of us can at times be starkly different from what is displayed in front of others.  Sometimes these changes are survival tactics they must take on in a mean world and sometimes they’ve just learned to con us! Most kids however, don’t want to disappoint their parents by fail to control the impulses to not be so nice with others or take risks and mask this in front of parents.  Though there are those adults who know their children are terrible and blame others for their behavior.

For adults this can be the same in that they don’t want their family members or peers to be disappointed in them IF and only IF they know it is wrong.  Think about it. How many times have you seen someone on the news who has committed a terrible crime and the parents said they’d never believe their child would do that? Or what about the neighbors that know them for years and stand in disbelief at what they’ve done as they give their account to the newscaster?   Truth is we never really know how people act 100% of the time unless we are with them 100% of the time. That only usually happens when they’re infants or up until school age when they go off into the world with the rest of the children trying to figure it all out.

This morning I listened to a popular radio show as I drove into the city. They were in the middle of a conversation about children when I tuned in. They noted how children today have so much to do inside of the house there’s no reason to go outside. They even suggested going outside should be the punishment so they’re away from all digital devices and forced to use their minds. I scratched my head as I thought “punishment?” How sad that sending someone outside would need to be looked at that way but  what’s a parent to do? Clearly the point is if they were given more time without manufactured ideas of fun (video games, television, dvd players) they’d have to use their own brain. You know the part of the brain that doesn’t get used much anymore? The part of the brain that would force them to think and figure things out. This same part of the brain is what they need to use for conflict resolution skills. It is dying off because we are not forcing our children to use something they are already equipped with.  For some parents this is not optimal because they don’t live the best neighborhoods but there needs to be some alternative to the brain drain we’re allowing to happen.

All of this makes me think of the term ANGRY MIMES! I see painted faces everywhere. I see faces with a fake smile or even no expression at all on them while people are hurting inside and have no clue how to deal with it. They are angry, hurt, confused and don’t even possess the tools to let you know what is wrong until they self-destruct and hurt others or themselves.  We are creating generations of them based on what we think is a better way of life. We are even converting  the older ones as we slowly shut down that thinking part of their brain that uses socialization to deal with conflict resolution. We are saying “hey , no need to talk anymore – just instant message,  text or update a status.” If the older ones get on board the “don’t use your brain bus” then of course seeing the younger ones doing it is not an issue right? Again the difference is that the older ones know how to do it but can choose not to. The younger people don’t have that opportunity. They can’t use what they don’t know they have. And because we haven’t shown them their own power it’s not even within their reach to choose to not use that part of their reasoning skills.

In the meantime, lots of folks have great ideas about how to tell you to raise or deal with these folks and handle the problems. There are plenty of medical professionals waiting for you! But do we want to use these well qualified people for something we have the power to do something about or for those specialized instances where they can truly put their expertise to use? We have lost sight of our own God given talent to figure things out, resolve conflict, communicate effectively and love both efficiently and effectively in most instances.  We are not teaching people how to be people. We are allowing an uncivilized nature to take over.

No more angry mimes for me! Will I stop communicating through my iphone, email or computer – no! But what I can tell you is I’ll be doing more talking, less texting and hopefully the return of real communication can change the way we interact for the good of all.


Photo: Link Humans/Flickr