Copyright 2017                                       Aleasa Word 

​A lot of people will tell you they don't care what others think of them. That may be true in some settings; but, as my mom says if they’d be honest, they would tell you it's really not the truth at all. Whether it is a parent, friend, sibling, community leader or even our boss at work, we all care what others think at times. Sadly, some care what others think all the time but mask it as checking in with others to get opinions but it’s really checking to see what their opinions are.

This is not to say that you should never care what people think though.  Something as simple as caring if the boss thinks you are up to the challenge of a new project certainly matters because it supports the idea of trust in both you as a person and your skills or knowledge. It also matters if your kids think look at you as someone they trust to take care of them or lead them the right direction.  Being a good parent who is looked upon as a good person or someone who does the best they can is certainly a want from parents.
What I'm discussing today; however, is when the feelings about what others think begin to undermine the value you feel you bring to the world.  Some may scoff at the thought; however, it is not so uncommon. Many secretly read self-help books on the topic. Some seek professional help for this concern and then others will fortunately grow out of that phase of life. Then there are those who almost obsess over what other things and even when they aren’t paying attention change their look or behaviors to those they feel will meet the ever changing opinions of others.  This is not just a woman issue or a man issue but instead a people issue.

I always thought I didn’t worry about what others thought of me. And then, (not sure of the exact quote) but I vaguely remember a television show host whose name began with an "O" being told by a writer with that once she was over 40 she wouldn't care what people thought. I laughed and thought to myself "I don't care about that now."  Looking back, I realize I lied to myself in the past and I cared a little too much what others thought and even owned some of their thoughts as my own. Things like not being smart enough to get ahead because I didn’t get my degree right out of high school like other was a thought directly taken from the corporate world that often tells us that without that piece of paper we have no value.  Surely getting my degree has been a win for me but I realized it made thing better when it became a personal win because I worked for it and not because it would prove something to others.

There were other things that did bother me when it came to what others thought of me like the look another woman would give as she did the up and down quick look we often think no one notices we do. When this happens frequently from the same people, you begin to wonder if your clothes are ok, if your hair is ok, if you are too big or small and even if you have something wrong with your makeup.  It can make you self-conscious but the difference with me is that I didn’t stay there. I realized that the up and down look was a sizing me up look much like animals do in the wild to one another. Sadly, many have learned this habit from our own parents not even noticing that the person we are sizing up CAN SEE US DOING IT! 

Even parents become concerned at times about what other think. For example, if you have  a rebellious teen, you may be concerned that people think you are somehow a bad parent because you can’t control your child’s behaviors. After all, there are studies that tell us the impact things have on kids when they have a bad upbringing right? So, if you wanted engage in "community logic" as I call it, it would stand to reason bad kids always mean bad parents right? WRONG! Though things like exposure to violence, drugs and abuse can certainly harm children psychologically as well as physically, not all kids with issues have bad parents. Genes and environmental factors as well as mental illness can be factors. Kids having different ways of expressing themselves can be seen as rebellious or being disruptive while our parental responses to behaviors can increase problems sometimes.  

The point of all of this is that we need to accept that we are human. We are flawed according to the invisible flawless judge of the world. We make mistakes. Sometimes we simply just make some messed up choices. Even when we make the best decisions in life it is important to remember that someone will always think something about you. We all THINK something about a lot of things throughout the day. The opinions formed of us from others can, however, be just as flawed as the flaw they think we have. A classic example of this is teenagers. When a teenager usually (no not always) sees another teenager who is new to them, they form and opinion. This opinion is most often not based on any information other than their view of people who look like “that”, act like “that” or who come from “that” kind of school or neighborhood. What does “that” mean to us though? In reality, the “that” can change from day to day. Today kids from poor (or rich) neighborhoods may be looked down on but tomorrow they may be looked at as cool because of their attitude.

No matter what we do, knowing what others think is not where our value should come from. I say do your best, right the wrongs you’ve done when you can and don’t judge yourself in the process. This may sound hard but just like we may have worried what another person thought of us the thinking we have of ourselves is more critical due to the reality that it produces self-talk which can build or destroy. People will think something of you ANYWAY because it’s human nature. As the saying goes though, sometimes we have to adapt an attitude of “what you think of my is not my business” and love ourselves the best we can in this thing called life as we move on to the next chapter. 


Photos: Pixabay/geralt

Copyright 2017                                             by Aleasa Word​ 

I've often heard women ask why we have to go through so many things. If you think about the journey of womanhood, it is sometimes overwhelming to talk about the challenges many face. Whether affected by illness, divorce, financial distress or anything else, the role of women always seems to be one that must be strong enough to endure with a smile and still give hope to others.
In my life, I have had the opportunity and challenge to be the leaning post for so many people I can’t count. My family has always believed me to be a pillar of strength and knowledge for when they need to be inspired to remain strong. My friends have looked to me as their never bending confidant. One friend recently told me she felt I’m like a piece of glass that even when it breaks from life’s challenges it always remains a peace of glass, strong and shiny. And I dare not forget that even my parents have been proud of my ability to endure the trials of life that have hit me hard while often letting me know how I came from strength passed down from generations. What happens when we as women simply can’t smile? Who do we turn to? Who do we lean on when the entire world is leaning on us?
If you’re anything like me, some days having to be the strong one gets downright tiring. It can be terribly frustrating to feel like you can’t take a minute off to be the one who needs someone else’s strength to lean on when life sends you a curve ball. The reality is that if we don’t learn how to stand down for lack of a better term, the pressure can be like a ticking time bomb in our bodies. Super women can become super weak and begin to think we are losing our drive to push for hope and even our minds right along with it.
From the young ladies with ancestors who survived torture and enslavement to those who did not, women share a common thread in this thing called life!  We make our kids feel better when they’re scared. And though men are taking more of a role in caring for families than ever before, we are still looked to for our wisdom and ability to figure things out against all odds. We are the warm and nurturing force that will still fight for our young. We are the caregivers that will spend our last drop of energy taking care of the sick and needy while taking a moment to feel sorry for those that harm us at the same time. Simply said, we are the portals from which life comes. We are THAT vessel that is used to continue populating and caring for our precious mother earth. That includes women who can’t have children as well.  Though they may never physically produce a child the spirit of life in their hearts and minds bears fruit every day they breath on this earth and in many case long beyond.
In this world there will be challenges that women face and no one even knows about. Some may carry the family past infidelity or illness. Some may walk to encourage other women to be the best they can be and not forget to care for themselves in the process. When our bodies break down we still fight to make a difference. We smile when we are hurting and encourage others. We have an endless bank of hope in our arsenal of womanhood.
Women may fight but when the rough times come we learn to band together. We help our sisters in our families, sisters at work, sisters in churches and throughout the communities we work and live in. We are that smile and that soft touch that says it’s going to be ok. We are the voice that lets others we got this and the plan will come together somehow.
In recent years, my struggles left me without the ability to be that strong person in my family for a bit. It was the women in my family who stepped up the most to help with the things I needed to do so I could stay on top of what was important in my own life. It was then that what was always in front of me because so apparently clear. Even when I’d thought things were bad during times of challenge there was hope. There was hope that the next day would be better. There was hope that I’d understand the meaning of things I was dealing with. There was hope that my kids would get through things unscathed. There was hope that the creator I believe in God himself would step in and make things right.
Life is HOPE! And women are the portal through which that hope travels with every birth and every child nurtured to become the very best they can be. Hope is you, hope is me! 

​Photo: DawnFu/Pixabay

Im        by Aleasa Word                                                                       Copyright 2017

Ok, let’s face it, everyone wants to be heard. No matter if you’re an introvert, extrovert or ambivert, at some point in life you will want to be heard. You’ll want to be heard for YOUR contributions to the world not just those that you support. Of course supporting others is great and necessary; however, we all want to feel a personal sense of accomplishment and that starts with being duh, being heard.
So how do you get those to hear you who are in your immediate circle? How to you get those to hear you who are at work or in the space within your field of work? The first thing is to realize that each of those communities mentioned has a different set of ears! Yup, that’s it. What people will hear is based on what they want to hear and what matters to them. Here are a few tips on making sure what you have to say is heard by the masses.

1. Pick your audience – As I mentioned all audiences are not created the same. What makes your mom tick is not always going to be what makes your co-workers or boss tick. Your kids and even those you sell products to simply need to hear you speak from a place that matters to THEM. Once you figure that out, it’s much easier to speak a language that resonates with them.
2. Trial and error matter – You know the saying “if you don’t succeed, try tray again? There’s a lot of wisdom in that phrase. Don’t get discouraged early on when you’re trying to be heard. Practice makes perfect is what I say. Always reflect back on the pros and cons when trying to determine why things didn’t go as planned.
3. Culture and gender matter – I know we live in a world today where many have chosen to identify with gender neutral. That’s perfectly ok; however, I don’t think if I talked about issues with a man’s prostate I’d be heard by many women EXCEPT as it pertains to the men in their lives they love. The same could be said if I spoke on a uniquely women’s issue. Many things are in fact gender neutral but for those that aren’t’ keep in mind what resonates with the group you want to hear you. The same thing goes when thinking on cultural differences
4. Empower their ear – As great of a speaker as I’d like to think I am, I am not naïve to the fact that everyone wants to hear me speak. That could be the same for you wherever you’re trying to be heard. If in that position, think about how you can empower your listeners to take action or be part of what it is you want them to hear in some way. People like to feel included. Empower them and watch them perk up.
5. Move on – Unless it’s something life threatening sometimes you have to simply move on to a new audience. That’s not so easy when you’re talking about intimate relationships though, so that’s why I listed more suggestions When not in the love space

Anything you want to work well takes practice. Even if you get it right the first time out of the block, there’s always the next time you may not be able to predict. Keep trying and remember, what you hear in your head isn’t always what they hear in their ears and minds. 

Image: Public Domain /Pixabay

Copyright 2017                                                               Aleasa M. Word

 It’s no secret that we are living in some stressful times. Every day we hear a new story on the news about our current administration. Whether you agree with the policies or not, there’s no way to deny that the line has been drawn in the sand on many sides. There is a us and them mentality that has caused so much stress for those on both sides of things and it can be downright scary. President Trump is not the most liked president in my humble opinion, but he is the current president and if nothing else, his administration has made lots of headlines. 

In addition to the political environment the United States has recently been ravaged by large scale brush fires, hurricanes, protests and fights about everything from healthcare to education.  How do we turn it off when this is all that we see on television, hear on radio and read on social media? How do we escape it all? Should we escape it all? The sad part is we really can’t escape it. It is in our workplaces, it is in public, it’s at our kids schools and in our doctors offices. It is like a contagion we want to ignore while knowing we still need to be informed about what’s going on.
So how do we cope? Below I’ve outlined some basic strategies to help you cope no matter where you stand in your beliefs on the issues.

1. Step back and know that YOU are not in charge of changing the world all by yourself. That’s a big job and we have lots of players. You can only do your part and not take on the role of the savior because you will burn out faster than you will fix things.
2. Embrace change and differences.  Sometimes we become afraid of what we don’t know and are uncomfortable with. This creates stress and defensiveness.  Different is not always bad or good. Sometimes it needs no word of judgment at all and instead a simple realization that things are just different.
3. Acknowledge you like to have some feeling of control. The truth is we all like to have some feeling of things being controlled or being in control from time to time. This helps us know what we can expect instead of being blindsided and then having our body see the new issue as a threat that causes stress. Know that control can be bad and good but some things will be out of our control
4. Find some self-soothing techniques. What do you do to relax? Did I hear you say you don’t have time to relax? It’s a necessary thing to help us keep our body healthy an healing. Don’t believe me? Look at the impact of trauma on the body long term according to the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study from the 90’s.  You’re probably not a kid anymore but If trauma and stress can impact a child’s long term health, what can it do to yours at you current age?
5. Surround yourself with compassionate people. We often get stressed because those around us don’t share our core values. It’s ok to not have the same values all the time as long as we show compassion towards each other as humans and respect the boundaries of our values.
6. Live a little.  Take some time away from it all to spend with those you love and leave the conversations about all the ugliness in the world behind. 
7. Take a technology break.  News is all over your smart phone! It is on social media and in your email as well as on your television and radio.  Schedule an intentional break to get back to being mindful about your own life.

We want unity and harmony in the world. People have wanted that for centuries and it has never happened. There is no harm in hoping for it; however, there is harm in stressing about it and trying to control it every day. Take time to make you own self-care a priority. It may change your life and could certainly at least make it better. 

Photo: Pixabay/Ronny K